Conversation with a Christian (Part 1)

Fed up with the lack of appreciation for original work in the Google community and much too embarrassed by his own ramblings, our author, James L. Beasley Jr., has decided to wash his hands of this particular piece of work.  He has paid me well to edit and post the rest of this series as I see fit.  I feel that in his honest nature, he wouldn’t mind a bit of objective criticism along the way.  All I was handed for this assignment was an hour and a half recorded conversation.  This is the second part to what I believe he has already posted under the title Memo from the Theology Editor’s Desk.  This conversation has been edited due to time and repetitive ignorance.  The deacon has found it important to remain anonymous, so he will simply be referred to as D.

D: I was uh, I was interested in you and your story…and your situation.  I, uh, you know I’m a believer.  I think um, I think god has my life under his control and he has a ministry for me, and he has a range of, of an area for me to minister to.  This church is in a neighborhood that is real close by the church, so, so…

J: So you feel like, I mean you feel like it’s your job or your duty to uh, let other people know that…  I, see I, I have a hard time, I mean you pretty much, you go door to door to convince other people of the way that you believe?

D: No.  Um, we do uh, outreach events like what we were doing last week was a picnic.  Just a neighborhood picnic.  And we just invite people if they want to come.  Um, we had probably two hundred or more there.  There were two or three jump houses.

J: But, I mean for what reason?  Just community?  Just to try and band the community together to get people to know each other?

 

D: Well no, it is ultimately so that (coughs), so that people know…

J: So that your congregation can grow?

D: So that people know that god is here in, in the area.  That people that represent him…

J: You use the word “know” like that’s a definite though.  You use the word “know” like; I mean when you use the word “know” you are, you are stating a fact.  A well-known, unarguable fact, and that’s not the case when it comes to any religion.  I mean because there are so many unknowns.  The whole religion aspect, the whole religious industrial complex is nothing but based on the unknown.

D: Well I mean, I could argue with, we could, we could parch every word that we speak, and I could question the existence of the religious industrial complex.  You apparently believe in that.  I, I don’t.  Um, what, what we do is, um, we do, you know, that church is planted fifty-five year, so the church is planted there.  Churches have this um, this instruction from Jesus.  Go and make disciples of all kinds of people.  Baptize them in the name of the father, the son, the Holy Spirit and teach them how um, Jesus lived.  Teach them what he commanded to live by and it’s what he called, Jesus called abundant life.  It’s, it’s a life um, in fellowship with god, fellowship with other people.   It’s a life that’s ruled by, you love god, you love your neighbor and those are the big broad commands.  You can’t go wrong by doing those two things and, and you know, not everybody will be happy with that but that’s the, the best really life probably, um, that is available.  So he said go and do this, so churches started doing that after his resurrection.

                Um, you know, the guys that followed him, there was a band of twelve and then was 120 or so who followed them and they were convinced that, they weren’t prepared for it.  I mean he, he was crucified on a cross, he died and three days later the tomb was empty and these guys were blown away at first.  They didn’t know what to make of it.  So…

J: I don’t mean to interrupt.  You’re telling me all this stuff that I already know.  I mean I already, I mean, get into some stuff, I mean…

D: Well ok, you’re asking me why I do what I do.

J: Ok.  Ok.

H:  So churches started spreading…

J: But you personally feel like you were called, like what moment, at what moment,  I mean…?  I mean that’s another problem is that one religion thinks that they have it nailed, when there are so many other religions that, you know, have been around.  Especially Christianity is one of the youngest and they have been divided by so many by just people saying, “I agree with this but I don’t agree with that so let’s start a new sect.”

D: But they all have.

J: Well yeah, I agree with that, but I mean out of Christianity, out of all the other religions, Christianity is one of the youngest and its more prominent here.  That’s why I know more, you know, Christianity.

D: My experience um, earliest I can remember when I was just a little boy, my parents weren’t really much into church but they did so once in a while.  My first memory of knowing who Jesus was, was an old, a family bible in a hall closet and I don’t know why my mom showed me that or if I found it and asked about it, but it was um, you know, just a picture of Jesus on a cross.  And a little next door neighbor girl talked about god and god’s way and we are brothers and sisters in god’s way.  So in remember when I was five, um, or so, my mom uh, getting saved at the church where we went to.  She had gotten into uh, going to church regularly and um, she was baptized so I knew this was something people did, even though I didn’t understand it.  Then uh, just not long after that my dad started going and he was saved and baptized and there was a revival and I remember that pretty vividly.  The pastor coming and preaching every night and my dad coming uh, more interested in faith.  Uh and then when I was eight um, you know I realized it was time for me.  I uh, I understood okay we have all sinned and come short the glory of god.  Jesus died for our sins and if we will accept his offered salvation, we can be cleansed of sin and we can have a relationship with him and a promise of ongoing forgiveness and all this.

J: So you have never not once, I mean, since the age of eight, questioned it or even tried to even see what other kinds of lifestyles are about or to even maybe take a timeout from that?  You know even the Amish give their fucking kids a fucking, you know, a uh, break.

D: I went through the teenage years.  I was uh, I was more caught up in the, you know, um, more of the uh, bent towards teenage living and, and sin and that kind of thing.  Um, I haven’t really abandoned the faith like some people do.  I, I do know all the questions, all the struggles, you know.  Um, I deal with this stuff all the time.  Uh, that’s, it’s just out there everywhere.  The thing is um, you know, the reason, ok, First Baptist Church planted that church so there would be a church over here in this neighborhood.  That’s fifty-five years ago, to just uh, to do that thing that Jesus said, make disciples out of people.  So…

 

J: But you’re basing this Jesus character, that is not even proven to have existed, and my whole thing is, I like to look at the history of shit, and we talk about Jesus, so from 0 to 33.

D: There’s nobody, there’s nobody that seriously questions Jesus.

J: Who doesn’t question Jesus?

D: Nobody really does.  Does anybody question George Washington?

J: But if you look at the history of it from 0 to 33, From Jesus’ lifetime, not a word was written about him.  It took another forty years, to like 70, for someone to even write his name somewhere.  If he was so important, if he did all these great things, in those seventy years, or just in those thirty-three years, why, how come it took so long to even write his name in a book?

D: Well it takes a few years for those things to happen.

J: A few years?!

D: It, it took a few years for Kennedy to become, to become known and for people to write about him.

J: For who?

D: John F. Kennedy.

J: Bullshit! (Inaudible gibberish)

D: It really wasn’t possible though in the first century.  They didn’t have the technology and that kind of thing.  The stories were there.  I mean the thing is that what we know about Jesus, the stories…

J: Factually we don’t know anything about Jesus.

D: We know as much about him as we know about Washington or Lincoln or Hitler or other historical people.  They’re so far back in time and so you have to, uh, recognize that communication was slower and it took a different form back then but, um, they’re just as historical as you know, um…

J: We can dig up a Cro-Magnon man that lived millions of years before Jesus did and tell you just about everything about that son of a bitch!

D: Well that’s all speculation.

J: Yeah it is.  I mean everything you ask, I mean if I don’t know it, if it ain’t something that I did myself, then it’s all speculation, cause I’m taking your word on it.  I didn’t do it.  If you came to me and said, “Hey such and such and such and such happened.”  I didn’t see it.  I didn’t witness it.  I’m taking your word on it.  Unless I did it with my own hands or witnessed it with the five senses that I have, you know, it’s all speculation.

D: But you can’t even trust your own mind.

J: Most times no.  Hell no.

D: I can blindfold you and I can say... Ok James, get ready.  I’m fixing to burn you so just brace yourself…

J: Oh yeah and put some ice on my…

D: …and I can touch you with an ice cube and you know, there’s, there…

J: (Inaudible interruption)…that’s what I’m more into, is trying to get to the depths of what actually, and all honesty, I believe in the whole, I don’t know uh, if you have ever heard of the stoned ape theory, but consciousness came along when uh, apes lived on the canopies of the jungles, and so they migrated down on the forest floor.  They started rummaging and eating what uh, ended up being cubensis mushrooms, psychedelic mushrooms and so therefore the primal all of the sudden became conscious.  Not just all of the sudden, but evolved, you know, into a higher state of consciousness which is more relevant to what we are now.  And among this consciousness, once you’re conscious and you’re, you’re aware of all the fears around, of all the dangers, I won’t say fears because fear wasn’t uh, a factor back then but uh, you understand now that if I fall out of this tree I might die.  That big ass cat over there might kill me.  You’re conscious of all the things, all the time.  It’s not just that, I see it and I’m running, stuff you now.  You’re conscious.  You’re conscious of all the dangers.  SO now you have to come up with this reason to be able to get through everyday life and not freak the fuck out.  And that’s where religion comes from!  And that’s what religion was based on, is they could say, “Hey ok, now that I’ve got this to look forward to, all these other dangers are, you know, they’re nothing compared to the greatness that I’m gonna achieve in the end.”  It became, it uh, uh (heavy sigh), I don’t know what’s the word?

D: Where did you get it?  Where did you get that?

J: Uh, a little bit of studying from uh, Terrence McKenna, uh and a little bit on my own.

D: Well tell me, tell me about uh, if you don’t mind uh, ok I was saved at eight years old.

J: Yes sir.  I think I was saved at thirteen.

D: I uh, I had this sense of purpose, of calling, of obligation, of responsibility almost immediately.

J: Really?  See I’ve never once.  I will grant Christians that.  They do and it is, and I hate to use the phrase ‘ignorance is bliss’, cause I won’t call you ignorant, I mean cause people believe, I mean it takes different strokes to move the world and that’s all there is to it.  People believe different things.  If everybody believed the same thing it would be a boring ass world out there.  I mean it would just be, but to have something so, you know, to have what you call “to know”, to know that so concretely that you are so comfortable with it and your life revolves around that and you know so concretely that’s what’s gonna happen after all this is said and done with I mean, I mean that would be amazing. 

D: When I, when I said, you know, these people in this neighborhood, they see consistently that this church is here.  This church helps them.  This church cares about them.  This church brings their kids to Awana.  This church sometimes pays their light bills.

 

J: Community is good.

D: Over and over and over they come to rely on that.  They come to count on it.  They come to bank on it.

J: That’s bad.

D: But that’s what I mean by knowing.  Just like you say I know um, it’s hot out there today.  Well it might suddenly change, but it’s not likely to.  That’s what, I mean knowing is always going to be a, a relative thing.  Um, so anyway…

J: But there are some hardcore facts.  If we’re living in the universe, we’re not, I mean, if you don’t wanna jump into the whole quantum mechanics and the multiverse shit…

D: I’m not qualified for that.

J: If we’re living in the right here, right now, there are certain knowns though.  I’m a solid object.  You’re a solid object.  I’m a male.  You’re a male, you know.  The law of gravity.  If I walk outside and just decide to let my feet go, my face is going to hit the concrete.  I know that.

D: Yeah, so I mean people know (church name deleted) and they know (___) um, people have a good, generally a good opinion about (___) in this neighborhood because the church has been, you know, faithful to, just been a good presence here…

J: So you’re concerned more about your church than maybe the religion itself?

D: Nah, I’m concerned about you.  If you really went through this conversion at thirteen…

J: That wasn’t a conversion.  It was, that’s what my family did.  My great, my great grandma was one of them.  Her husband was a hardcore, one of those hellfire and brimstone, I never met the man but he…

D: He was a pastor?

J: Yeah.  Yeah, in uh, Bassett, TX.  I think its Bassett.  Bassett or Domino, I can’t remember.  It was, my dad, he was a real big influence on my dad and so my dad was southern Baptist, and his mom was southern Baptist, and we would you know, we weren’t forced to go to church all the time but you know, it was ‘Hey you need to uh, to be going to church.’  And of course my whole reason was, being thirteen, I met a little old girl that went to church and that was my whole reason.  I, I can’t say that any given day in my life, even through my youth, that there was honestly a day that I truly believed that Jesus was there with me or anything like that.  I went through the steps because my family did it, up to a certain age…

D: Well I mean um, I won’t tell you that god woke me up in the night and said that I want you to go to the home of James Beasley and tell him about me, but I think, generally that’s what’s this is, um, god getting your attention through me.

J: There’s too many people around this small ass town trying to uh, convert somebody who seems to be a demon.  I don’t know.  There’s a lot of closed minded people in this town.

D: the thing is um, we, we will go around and invite people and they will come, maybe they will have fun, maybe they will listen and some people can come and join our church and get baptized but, but you know, once in a while, I don’t really get people that wanna talk like you talk.  Most the people just say thanks and they go on.  Um, but…

J: I thought we we’re honestly gonna get into a good debate about factual stuff, but I mean I understand.  I mean conversations are , I like healthy conversations period.  I like healthy conversations with knowledgeable people.  There’s nothing more, there’s nothing I hate more than sitting here with somebody that I would truly call ignorant and try and hold a decent conversation.

D: Um yeah, I don’t know.  I mean…

J: I’m judgmental.  That’s uh, and I, and I work on my flaws.  I honestly do but I don’t uh, shadow them by any means.  I put them out front and that way I can focus on them a lot.

D: Um anyway, you know I uh, I see, I see enough um, what I consider answers to prayers that I think are, that I think god is there.  I think he has answered my prayers.  I think that he is watching out for me.  I uh, 2009, November 2^nd um, my wife was in Pennsylvania and she came home and I picked her up at the airport and we stopped at uh, uh, Cotton’s on interstate, ate supper.  On the way home, we got to Caddo Valley, I’m on the right, there’s a truck on the left, an eighteen-wheeler.  I cannot believe what I’m seeing in my rearview mirror.  This headlight on this truck moving over, moving over, surely he sees me.  He doesn’t see me.  The next thing I know we are stuck to the front of that truck going sideways up the interstate.  I thought there’s no way you come out of that.  Um and the first thing, I mean so I just, I knew.  I didn’t pray out loud.  I just prayed.

J: (Laughs) There’s no atheists in foxholes.  Isn’t that what they say?

D: (Laughs) Yeah, true but I’m, you know, I’m far from (inaudible over laughter)…in fact I’ve been, I mean you know life is challenging enough.  It’s challenging for all of us.  So I’m going through times, not long before that, where I’m saying, you know, god if you can show me some conformation that I’m where you need me to be, doing what you need me to do um, I’m ready for it.  I didn’t really expect that, but what happened was this truck pushed us sideways six hundred feet or so up the interstate.  We didn’t run into anybody.  We didn’t turn over.  We didn’t burn up.  We didn’t do anything.  That thing finally came to a stop over on the side and we got out.  The people behind us, who saw it happen, first thing they said was, you know, “God must have some reason for keeping you alive.”  And you know other people said, “Boy ya'll are lucky.”  I don’t believe in luck.  I believe in providence.  I believe that god takes care of me.  He has taken care of me uh, plenty of times.  Keeps me outta trouble.

J: But how does it work for all those heathens like me though?

(Laughs)

D: It’s also, ah, he causes his son to rise on the (inaudible).

J: And I come out and ungrateful bastard and…

D: I don’t know.  I think you’re a little more open than (inaudible)…

 

J: I’m open.  See I got this idea, I’m 99.9% sure there was no Jesus Christ.  Now I will never say there wasn’t a creator.  We got here some fucking how.  Whether it started as an intelligent something that sent something a swirl, I don’t know.  Whether it was just stardust that collided together and everything just happened by coincidence, I don’t know.  To me I don’t think you necessarily need a Jesus Christ god to have uh, intelligent design.  I mean because if you look at like the Fibonacci series and the golden ration and phi, all those mathematical, I mean I’ve heard, I can’t remember, it was either Tesla or Einstein that said that uh, god wrote the language of the earth in math or something like that.  I can’t remember uh, that’s not verbatim or anything like that but I mean it’s there in sunflowers, pinecones uh, the nautilus.  You know everything; the cycle of everything is in some kind of mathematical order.

D: So you think that supports the idea of some creator organized it?

J: Some architect or some creator of some sort.  Some, it had to have at least some idea.  So it had to be a conscious energy source.  That’s all I can say and apparently an imaginative uh, conscious energy source, cause there are some pretty crazy, you know, there’s some pretty, I mean and I’m one of them people that take, I don’t take the sunset and shit like that for granted.  I’m awed by the beauty on this earth.

D: But what is it, what is it that makes you question, you, because there’s just, like I say…

J: Religion as a whole has condemned it for me.  Religion, the actions of all religions from all the hundreds of thousands of years, up till now, have condemned any sort of belief or any kind of following, any kind of respectability for organized religion, much the same as government has.

D: What, what is it?  Ok let’s just talk about this idea that Jesus existed.

J: Ok, just a man with that kind of power that was the son of god?

D: Well there’s nobody really serious who says Jesus didn’t exist.  Now there’s people who think…

J: I’m serious.  I’m just as serious as Stephen Hawkins.  I don’t give a goddamn about his credentials or nothing.  I am human just like he is.

D: Stephen Hawkins said Jesus didn’t exist?

J: Nah.  No I’m saying I’m just, I’m, I don’t have to have the I.Q. or the credibility of Stephen Hawkins.

D: But you really, you really, really need to have somebody who’s in your camp who says uh, Jesus didn’t…

J: I’m sure I can gather a few of ‘em.  I know I can.

D: You need to because there’s not very many people.  Educated people, give me some people who have…

At this point, half drunk and forever stoned, our author seems to just ramble off names with no research to prove his point.  This happens more often than not.

J: Graham uh, well graham Hancock uh, let’s see uh, I haven’t really heard uh, Joe Rogan’s whole theory on this.  Terrence McKenna uh, let’s see, David Icke.  David Icke is a big…

D: Let me tell you what’s a lot more common.  There’s, there’s a lot of people for centuries who have said, “Now there was a Jesus but he was normal and he was regular and he lived and he died and he, you had this uh, you know, he had this following and after he died, they built him up and they made up stories.”  Nobody denies there was a Jesus.  Nobody really serious denies that there is a Jesus.  The, the thing is, these guys uh, they are a part of history just like Napoleon and Lincoln and Washington.  They’re, they’re real people.  Um, they’re two thousand years behind us but uh, that’s not very far.

J: Not in the scheme of things, it’s nothing.

D: These books that were written about Jesus were written; they started being written during the time that there were still people around that could remember him.  There were lots and lots of other books written.  There’s tons of books out there, religious books, and the church said, “I believe Matthew, Mark and Luke and John and Romans and Hebrews…”

J: And they don’t include Enoch in there.

D: Because they don’t, they’re fake!  You said it’s all fake.  They said no it’s not all fake but here’s some that is.

J: But how, alright, well how come in Genesis it talks of the fallen Nephilim and then that’s all they will give you.  Maybe like a couple books later they’ll, they’ll touch on like how they were in love with the uh, sons, or the daughters of men and or uh, how they bred with the daughters of men and that’s only another one little line and then you find this book of Enoch and it has nothing to do but the Nephilim.  I mean it describes what they did, what they taught the humans, how they bred with the humans.  Why mention it, mention their name in one part of the book and entice you enough to you know, and not give the whole story?

D: There’s a lot of reason why the church did not accept the book of Enoch.   Not just because of what it said.  The books that they first of all accepted were books that they felt like, ok John…  Well they believe John wrote this book and John was an apostle.  They believe Matthew wrote this book.  Matthew was an apostle.  They believe Mark wrote this book.  Mark wasn’t an apostle but Mark was real close to Peter.  Peter was an apostle.  He was there with Jesus, an eyewitness to Jesus and that’s where this starts.  These guys who they, they knew Jesus personally then they saw him die.  Then they saw him alive again and that’s where, that’s where the beginning trust starts, with people who died sticking to their story.  You can do what you want to me.  I’m not, this is true.  I can’t help it.  It’s true.  You can kill me if you need to but it’s still true.  So you got people like Matthew and Peter and um, uh, you know John as, those three or four.  You got those other twelve who um, we don’t have any book by them.  James, James wrote one, um but the church knew that they had known Jesus and they were put to death as martyrs you know.  Uh, sticking to their story and that’s why the second generation of church leaders um, they believe that, it’s like you knew some guy maybe, maybe your grandpa knew Robert E. Lee.  Now I’m just making that up but you know you would believe what your grandpa said about Robert E. Lee because he lived there and worked under him.  I used to have uh, an eighth grade history teacher, Arkansas history teacher, who had uh, supposedly been uh, uh, FBI agent in an earlier life, knew J. Edgar Hoover.  That’s pretty cool you know.  So this is how this uh, New Testament stuff gets going.

 

J: But also, and, and that’s a problem though.  Do you believe everything people tell you?  Even if they’re accredited, I mean the news and our politicians and our medical professionals and shit, I mean they prove this point over and over again that just because you have a title or doctorate doesn’t mean you’re any more honest than I am.

D: I think, I think you tend to believe people you have grown to know and trust.  That’s the kind of people these were.  Um, people just wouldn’t haul off and trust this guy because he walked in off the street and said, “I’m an apostle.”  They trusted him because they knew him for a long time.  They saw what he did and it’s kinda, you build up a line of trust, a line of credit with people.  I mean and so you know that’s why we have the New Testament.  They kept the books that they were convinced that really had the truth about the story of Jesus and what Jesus taught.  Uh, of course most of the New Testament is written by Paul and um, Luke knew him and traveled with him and uh, saw these things going on and wrote about them.  Um, anyway it’s, it’s, it’s the kind of thing that’s a lot more normal then I think what you are envisioning it to be.  It’s just…

A huge leap is made here by the author in some addled attempt to make an argument.

J: Well I take, you talk about normal’s ass when you open the book of Revelations and if you wanna read that like a literal, like god said this shit is really gonna happen.  I mean you’re gonna see seven headed beasts and shit like this and stuff like that then you to go back, revert and take the whole book, I mean look at the whole fantastical situation.

D: There’s the kind of literature that’s sort of written in code.  Christians are on the inside.  They understand the code.  They know the symbols.  You’re in a time of persecution.  Romans are persecuting Christians.  John wants to give his churches a message.  It’s a message that says basically this is um, if you remain faithful, god is going to come through and um, you deliver you one way or another.  Either you’ll go to heaven or you’ll be delivered when he comes, returns.  Um, you know if, if you deny the faith you will be disappointed and that’s the message basically through Revelations.  Revelations…

J: So it’s more symbolic than it is literal?

D: It is.   It’s like a coded message.  Uh, the letters to the seven churches, the lampstands, you know the beasts and all these things, there things that those Christians in the first century would have recognized out of the Old Testament passages.

J: Ok so it’s not nothing that we really have the knowledge about now, that’s why so many people are trying to make predictions?

D: People, there’s a lot of controversy over Relations.

J: Yeah.  That’s the book that caught you know, I’m a, I don’t know, I’m a huge Hunter Thompson fan and he praises the book of Revelations just because of the literary value it has, and it honestly does if you look at it as a fantastical story, it’s a fantastical story.

D: But it basically says what the prophets were saying thousands, a thousand years before that god is gonna, ok this world is in the grip of sin and it’s gonna run its course and then god, at the right time, when he’s, when his time frame is up, he’s gonna call an end to it and he’s gonna clean it all up and start it all over and we are going into eternity.  The Old Testament prophets believed that and said it and wrote it.  Jesus also said the same thing and then John at the end Revelations, at the end of the New Testament times; he’s the last living disciple…

J: Was John the apostle, the same guy who wrote the book of John, the same guy that wrote Revelations?

D: I believe so.  Now not everybody does.

J: Yeah not everybody does.

D: Conservative scholars believe that yeah this is the same guy.  He’s recognized by the church you know; he’s the old man now.  He’s in exile and he’s uh, sending a word of comfort and encouragement to remain faithful to all of these seven churches there around that uh, that little area.  So um, basically he’s just saying again what those prophets have been saying for hundreds of years.  In the end, god’s gonna wrap this thing up.  Remain faithful, don’t give up.

J: It’s those drastic fear measures that they use in that book.

D: It’s bizarre imagery.

J: It’s really just that book.  The rest of the bible is, I mean it’s not that fearful.  It’s not that fearful.  Even the New Testament, I mean the Old Testament you know, it’s not that you know, those people probably deserved…I agree with the people that if you can’t handle your shit, I mean you need to be dead or if you’re a bad person, you know shit like that.  I, I believe if you take it, take it like you do, god did, he was just.  He was just then.  The New Testament they say he’s more forgiven.  There’s not a lot of hate or you know any of that fantastical stuff going on until you get to Revelations.

D: Well uh, basically Revelations says that the bad guys get what’s coming to them and if you remain faithful you won’t be sorry.  But god has always been just, but he’s also always been merciful.

J: You think so?

D: Yeah, he doesn’t give us what we deserve.

J: You think the first original sin we did, we didn’t deserve?  We got one warning.  We fucked up and then we got kicked out, banished period.  There wasn’t no, “Ok, alright you know ya’ll fucked up.  I understand.   You made a mistake, you got influenced by this outside source, alright, just don’t do it again.”  Nah, that motherfucker said, “Get out!  Get out now!  Get out now!”  And gave apparently, woman a lifetime of, I mean a whole, every generation from now until the end of humanity, have to suffer from menstrual cramps and, and that’s some crazy vindictive shit going on there.

D: Well, I mean he created, he created humans perfect.  All he, all he raised is two people.

J: Ok.  Ok.  Timeout, you have to get me straight on this ok.  So, ok, in the beginning when he created people he, he created people perfect right?  Is that what you just said, right?

D: Yes.

J: Ok, so at that time they had no knowledge whatsoever.  Once you gain insight or have a choice decision then you can’t be perfect.

D: Uh, I don’t necessarily know how you would prove that one.  Ok.  There’s one way you can mess up and only one way.  There’s two of us.  I’m Adam, you’re Eve or vice versa.

J: It doesn’t matter.

D: Ok, we’ve got everything we need.  We’ve got everything we could want…

J: But it’s in human nature to want.

D: There’s one thing…it’s not in human nature yet.  There’s one thing that, keep it off limits, and ok, god made us in his image.  God has freewill, so god says, “Ok, you’re gonna be in my image then you have to have freewill, but the only way for it to be free is there is an option for you to go against what I want.”

J: See and that’s imperfect.  That’s not perfection.  You’re, that makes you fallible.  Therefore you’re not in the image of god.

D: They could have said no.

J: But god would’ve, but god would have never said yes.

D: And this, and, and, so god has always told you the truth, has always done what you needed, always been there for you and he says, “Trust me you don’t wanna do this.  If you do this you will be really sorry, it’s gonna ruin everything forever.  Don’t do this.”  And here’s this serpent or Satan in this form says, “God just doesn’t want you to have fun…”

J: Yeah, but you said god made them in his image.  He, they were perfect.

D: That’s what the bible says.

J: Ok.  Ok, but they were perfect in his image?  Would god have been corrupted by that snake?

D: No.

J: Then how could they have been perfect in his image if they were allowed to be corrupted by that snake?  They were already flawed from the get go.  If corruption was allowed to be even introduced to them…

D: Well I, there’s really again, um…

J: That’s logic.  That’s just plain here and there logic.

D: Again I don’t, I don’t really have an answer for you there.

                This is the best stopping point I could find for the first part.  Once again, I have done my best to edit the recording, given no guide.  I expect there to be at least two more parts.  I can only reduce his ramblings so much.  Please do forgive me.  Until I can muster up the strength to finish this rotten assignment, you will just have to chew on this.

 

Constantly concerned,

Stockton Riggs

 

 

 

 

 

The Man From Costa Rica

                It was the summer of lost love and missed opportunities.  The summer of lessons learned and many forgotten.  I made many poor decisions in that three month span.  One of which landed me in county jail for about forty-three days, which is another story for another time, and I am sure that it is far more interesting than this one.   It wasn’t that one or the final decisions I made that brought an end to a seemingly wonderful, wonderful from where I was sitting anyhow, two year relationship.  The decision I will tell you about now was one made due to fear.  Fear of change.  Fear of insecurity.  Fear of the unknown.  What made this one stick out in my mind versus the others that had a far more profound impact on my life and my direction in it however was not the decision itself.  It was the man who gave me a choice.

                That summer I worked as a cashier on the graveyard shift at a local convenient store.  A friend and I always had a running joke about how it reminded us of the Kevin Smith movie "Clerks".   Although I never had to deal with milk maids or Chewlies' Gum representatives trying to incite a riot, I did meet some interesting characters.  Most of these characters where the run of the mill crack-heads trying to buy some Chore-Boy or a straight pipe.  Unlike a lot of the stores around our area, which had been bought up by Asians or Indians, we did not sell any kind of drug paraphernalia.  I must say though it was rather entertaining to try and decipher what they were saying.  I always let them rumble on knowing that I could not provide them with what they needed, but it was entertaining to hear them slur on in explanation.  My friend and I would burst out in laughter after they had left in disappointment.

                We were also the largest lotto retailer in the state of Texas.  Being on the border of Arkansas, and them not having a lottery of their own at the time, we would be flooded with people from all over the natural state.  When I was training on the swing shift, before I was left to run the store all alone, I often had to shut down my register to accommodate a man who worked in a factory in Little Rock.  He and a bunch of co-workers would pool their money together and he would make the drive down to our store and purchase tickets for the whole lot of them.  He would buy anywhere from two to three thousand dollars’ worth of tickets at one time.  This would usually take hours and would often become a bit monotonous.  Aside from the redundancy, I enjoyed it because we would get kickbacks from the lottery commission if we sold a winning ticket and I always anticipated one of those tickets hitting it big.  I mean the odds had to be pretty good at that amount.  Of course that never happened.  Also I had the added extra of having my till tied up and not having to deal with any other customers for that period of time.

                The friend I referred to earlier, Dave, would always come and just hang out.  We had a rotating hot dog cooker that I had to refresh every four hours.  Not many people would come in at midnight or later requesting a convenient store hot dog, so instead of just trashing them I would give Dave his fill.  Being a good 350 pounds he usually ate them all and kept me from having to throw anything away.  I saw it as a positive solution to wasting food.  Even though it cost me nothing either way I just felt better about feeding a friend.  On the weekends I did have one customer that would come in pretty late and I would save the discarded hotdogs from earlier and he would pick them up to treat his two dogs.  He was a local driver's education teacher and would often come in and buy a few lotto tickets.  After playing for a bit he would often just hand the winners over to me and say, "Treat yourself to a coke or something."  He never won anything more than a couple bucks, but his generosity awed me.

               Other than the encounters with the aforementioned characters, Dave and I just kicked it on the slow nights.  A few times I had even got brave and let him swipe a little gas and I would just write it up as a drive off.  This kept him from paying the outrageous price and if he only got a little it kept me from having to explain too much.  We were allotted something like twenty-five dollars a night in drive-offs, so I let him take advantage on occasions.  I would also take a few things myself, here and there, whenever I felt hungry or thirsty.  Nothing big, I would grab a coke or a candy bar and kick back in the manager's office where there were no cameras.  The job had its perks, but most of the time I fell idle and alone.  I did a lot of reading and a little bit of writing and drawing that summer.

                What I remember the most though was one man.  One morning around three-thirty or four o'clock this strange old man kind of limped into the store and sought refuge against the counter.  I greeted him and asked how he was doing.  He reciprocated and said that he was just exhausted from the road and needed a cup of coffee.  This happened all the time, being one of the only twenty-four hour convenient stores in that area along the interstate.  I obliged the weary traveler and helped him to his cup of coffee.  He paid for it calmly and resumed his position against the far side of the counter.

                "Where are you coming from?"  I asked trying to make idle conversation.

                "Well I started out in Costa Rica.  Been driving for a few days.  Trying to take it slow.  Can't drive all night like I used to could."

                "I understand that."  I haven't ever been too much on small talk and didn't really have much else to say after that.

                "How long you been working here?" he asked taking the lead.

                "Just like a month.  Not that long."

                "You enjoy it?"

                "Yeah.  It's pretty laid back.  Don't really do much after twelve or one.  Sometimes it stays steady throughout the night but not that often.  It usually drops off around midnight and picks back up around four when everyone is trying to get to work.  They come in and get the usual, coffee, cigarettes, newspapers, you know stuff like that."

                "What do you do in your down time?" he inquired as he slowly sipped his hot coffee.

                "I got some daily chores to do, cleaning this and that.  You know.  A lot of the time I just kick back and read."

                "You read a lot?"  Man this guy has a lot of questions I thought, but I politely continued to answer them.

                "Yeah I try to."

                "What are you reading tonight?"  I reached behind me and grabbed the paper back that was lying un-open on the counter.

                "'Danse Macabre' by Stephen King.  It's kind of a history of horror stories, books, and movies up to the eighties."

                "You like it?"

                "Yeah.  Learn a lot.  It's pretty interesting."  I said as I tossed the book back behind me.  He took another slow sip from his coffee and turned to face the coolers in the rear.  At this time another customer came through the door and stepped up to my counter.

                "Well I will get out of your hair." the old traveler stated as he straightened himself and walked towards the door.

                "OK then sir.  You have a safe trip."  I said and turned to greet the other customer.  With the generic greeting out of the way I quickly retrieved the brand of cigarettes from the rack behind me, per his request.  He paid and hurriedly shuffled out the door.  I glanced around to make sure the store was in decent shape and decided to go smoke.  I stepped outside and noticed the aged, beat up Chevy S-10, with a camper shell over the bed, sitting along the side of the building.  I walked up a little to take notice of who was lingering inside.  I saw the old excursionist sitting down in the front seat with his legs stretched out.  I returned to my post against the side of the building and continued to smoke my cigarette.  Maybe he just needs some more time to stretch his weary legs I thought.  Suddenly out of nowhere I heard his strained voice call to me from the truck.

                "Come here son.  I wanna show you something."  I walked cautiously over to the open door, not knowing exactly what to expect.  I wasn't too concerned seeing as how he was at least sixty and I was barely twenty-two, but you never know.  Sometimes those old timers will surprise you.  I approached the open door and peered into the dark cab as he fumbled with something small in his shaky hands.  He stepped out of the truck and opened his palm out towards me.  In it was a small bar of what appeared to be silver.

                "Go ahead.  Take it." he said as he extended his arm out further in my direction.  I pinched it out of his hands with my finger tips and placed it in my own palm.  I studied the small bar with the utmost curiosity.  According to the stamp on, what I conceived as, the front it was definitely silver.  The tiny rectangle was rather heavy for its size.  The imprint on the top front of the bar stated .999 silver.  Below that was a picture of an old steam engine.

                "You like that?"  The weary wanderer inquired as I entertained myself with the block in the center of my palm.

                "Oh yeah.  Where did you get this?"

                "That come from Costa Rica." he spoke as he sat back down on the bench seat of the truck.  He searched around in the seat beside him and came up with a pocket flashlight.  He reached over the passenger side and opened the glove box and shone the light inside.  "Look.  I got plenty."  I gazed into the compartment and saw at least ten if not more of the same little bars carelessly tossed within.

                "Man, you get all those down there in Costa Rica?"  I asked with pure amazement in my voice.  I had never seen a bit of pure silver, much less that amount.  What could they have been worth I pondered voicelessly.

                "Yep.  I just been kinda collecting them." 

                "That is awesome.  You're kinda brave keeping them on you like that.  They've got to be worth quite a bit."

                "Well it helps to have things like this when you're a lone white guy traveling down to Costa Rica.  The police are always trying to shake you down and I have learned that those go a lot further than cash money.  If you don't bribe them or give ‘em what they want they got no problem hauling your ass to jail.  I would much rather toss these things to ‘em then chance any amount of time in a Mexican jail."

                "That's crazy."  I said this in pure amazement.  I, never having been out of the states before, was becoming more and more interested in this stranger.

                "You can keep that one.  I have plenty as you can see, and I can always get more."

                "I couldn't sir.  That is just way to generous."  I protested even though I secretly wanted to have it for myself.

                "Nah.  You just take it son.  Like I said I got plenty more."

                "Thank you sir.  That is to kind."  I voiced with no other protest.  The generous road veteran wasn't going to have to twist my arm to get me to accept a bar of pure silver.  I gladly took it off his hands.  "Well I have to get back inside."  I told him as I thumped my cigarette out across the parking lot.

                "Would you mind if I got another cup of coffee from you?"

                "Hell no.  That's the least I could do for you.  Come on in."  We walked to the door together and I gratefully opened it and allowed him to enter first.  He made his way to the coffee urn and I made mine back to my spot behind the counter.  After getting his coffee he came back and leaned on the counter in his previous spot and we drummed up another bit of small talk.  In the time that we chatted no other customers came in to interrupt us.  I looked at the clock on my cash register monitor and noticed that it was pushing five.  "I'm gonna step out here and smoke another cigarette then I've got to start cleaning up.  Care to join me?"  I politely asked as I came out from behind the counter.

                "Sure.  You got one to spare?"

                "Oh yeah.  Most definitely."  In our short time together I had found the man superbly charming and could not deny him anything.  We stepped outside and I handed him a cigarette out of my pack and retrieved one for myself.  I gave him the lighter first and lit mine when he handed it back.  We stood there in silence for the first time since he had come in.  I dragged deeply on my smoke as he held his letting most of it just burn away.  I noticed but didn't mind at all.  I would have gladly given him the whole pack just to stomp on if he had seen fit to do so.  After a few minutes of silence he was again the first to speak up.

                "What time do you get off?"

                "Six."    

                "What do you usually do when you leave?"        

                "Man I usually go and grab a bite at McDonald's and head home."

                "Fuck McDonald's!"  He blurted with a rather strong emphasize.  It was surprising.  I'm always taken aback when I hear a senior say fuck.  "Let's go eat somewhere real."  I was shocked again by the sudden invitation or the thought that he had invited himself along with me, whatever the case may have been, but the feeling was fleeting in remembrance with how generous he had been and interesting he was.

                "What have you got in mind?"  

                "You guys got an IHOP around here?"

                "Yeah.  Not too far away as a matter of fact.  Is that where you would prefer to go?"

                "I would prefer to go just about anywhere besides fucking McDonald's."  I laughed at the sincere hatred for the aforementioned fast food joint in his voice.  He really loathed McDonald's and wasn't in the business of keeping it a secret.

                "IHOP is fine by me.  You can just follow me there when I get off if you want.  I've still got an hour though if you don't mind waiting around."  I didn't figure he did since he had already spent over an hour with me as it was.

                "I don't mind.  Ain't got nothing else to do.  What are you driving?  I don't see any other vehicles out here."  He said as he glanced curiously around the parking lot.

                "I've got an electric scooter I got put up in the back room."

                "Hmm.  Does it run worth a shit?"

                "Yeah it does alright I guess.  Gets me from here to there.  Nothing fancy but it does the trick."  I tossed my smoke out.  "I've got to get back in and try and get some chores done before the boss lady shows up."

                "Alright.  I will be out here waiting on you, okay."

                "Okay, that's cool."  I walked back through the door and went up to the counter to grab my duties list off the clipboard next to the monitor.  I had pissed away the night with the old man and hadn't even begun my chores.  Oh well I thought.  They don't all have to get done.  They rarely did any other night.  I started with the hotdogs I had neglected most of the night.  I tossed the old rubbery ones in the trash bin next to the grill and retrieved some fresh ones out of the cooler.  After piling them on the rotating grill and logging how many I had set out I cleaned the grill and coffee area.  A few customers started drifting in and I returned to my station behind the counter.  I routinely checked them out making small talk with each one as I did so.  When the store was cleared again I grabbed some trash bags from the back store room and went outside to take up all the full garbage bins.  I smoked while I performed this chore and noticed the aged gent sitting in his truck reading a newspaper.  He looked up for a second taking notice of what I was doing and then returned to whatever story had caught his attention.  I finished gathering the trash and replacing the old liners with new ones and carried the load to the dumpster.  I quickly returned to the store noticing a few more customers pulling in the parking lot.  It hadn't been near as busy as usual that morning but I was content because bullshitting with the man had bought a lot of my down time.  I once again returned to my station deciding that I would remain there until my shift was up.  I had done the most major things that needed to be done and if any questions were asked I would simply say that I was entertaining a customer.  I ran through the short line of customers with speed and accuracy and again was left alone to my own thoughts.  I glanced down at the monitor and noticed that it was fifteen till six.

                I relaxed against the front of the cigarette shelves and patiently waited for the last few minutes to pass by.  I noticed Miss Debbie's, the manager, beat up Chrysler van pull in to the lot and I straightened up behind my register.  She waddled in through the door a few moments later carrying her usual bag, notebook, and an extra one hundred and fifty pounds.  I greeted her and she reciprocated.  She waddled on back to the manager's office to lay her things down, everything except the extra weight.  She returned a few short seconds later and asked me how everything had gone.  I went through the usual spiel and told her everything had run like a well-oiled machine, as per usual with me at the helm.  She told me to go ahead and start doing my close out procedures.  Nancy, my replacement, was running a little late but Debbie was going to get in the system and run it till she arrived.  I did my usual things, counting cigarettes and lottery tickets.  Lastly I closed my till out after she had opened the one next to me.  I did my count and came out right on the money.  I filled out the necessary paperwork and took my money bag to the office and placed it in the safe.  I returned to the front and began to gather my things.  We made chit chat and I told her I was gone.  She said farewell as did I and I went to wrestle my scooter from the rear storage room.  I made it out of the door with the hunk of molded plastic and strolled up to where the guy was sitting in his truck.

                "You ready?" he asked as I approached.

                "Whenever you are."

                "Am I just gonna follow you?"

                "That would probably be the easiest."

                "You don't wanna just throw that thing in the back and ride with me.?"

                I glanced across him into the cluttered passenger side of the compact pick-up truck.  "No I'll just ride.  I enjoy riding this little thing."

                "Alright if that's what you wanna do.  Let's go.  You lead the way."  I hopped on my pocket sized scooter and started the little electric engine.  I pulled up to the edge of the road and he slowly came in behind me.  I watched for an opening in traffic and jetted out across the four lanes when I saw my chance.  The guy hesitated a bit longer but was right behind me soon enough.  We made the brief trek over the interstate and down the service road leading to the IHOP, next to the Greyhound bus station.  I parked my scooter on the sidewalk and chained it to a "No Parking" sign close to the front door.  He swung in behind me and guided his pick-up in a vacant spot.  I waited for him at the door as he gathered whatever things he needed.  We entered the restaurant and dually headed for the rear smoking section.  We caught a table for four empty and placed our tired selves in the vacant seats.  We both lit cigarettes and began to chat.  An older waitress appeared at our left and we both ordered coffee for the time being.  I was hungry but was in no real hurry.  Knowing the man must have more interesting stories I was just unaware of how to coax them from him.  Suddenly it was like he had read my mind.

                "Have you ever been to Costa Rica?"  He asked as he lightly inhaled the smoke from his cigarette.

                "No sir.  I have never even been out of the states.  Haven't visited many of those either, to tell you the truth."

                "That's a shame.  Me and my brother own a coffee plantation in Costa Rica.  It's actually pretty neat.  Real laid back.  It's hard work though and pretty fucking hot."  I knew it.  I just knew this guy was going to have some interesting things to talk about.  I mean anyone that travels with small bars of silver just floating around in his glove box to pay off crooked cops on journeys through Central America would have to have stories.  The waitress returned with our coffee.  I poured a few packets of sugar in my cup and mixed it with a stirrer next to the packets of sugar and artificial sweetener.  "Yeah we went in on it together in the early eighties and just been doing it ever since.  My family still lives here in the states so I come back at least twice a year and see how it's going."

                "That must be awesome.  I have always wanted to travel, I just have never been real good with money and can't seem to stay away from this town any more than a year.  I have moved away twice and find myself always coming back for reasons I am not quite sure of."

                "I enjoy it.  I just like having the freedom to work for myself.  Make my own hours, you know what I mean?"

                "Oh yeah."

                 "We've got a few hands that help us during harvest time.  We've got another house that they live in, a few months out of the year.  Pretty good guys.  Mostly natives and their sons.  I have got three guys that have been with me since I bought the place.  They always come around when they know it’s time to harvest.  Bring their families and shack up in the house.  We feed them good and raise a bunch of hell at night.  Just have a good time."

                "Man I could imagine."  I was too interested in his story and felt like a jack ass for not having an intelligent rebuttal for anything that he was saying.  All I could do was shake my head favorably and add stupid shit like "I bet." or "Oh yeah."  I felt like a total retard.  He did not seem to mind at all though which helped me rest a little easier.  A lull had come over and both of us just sat there smoking and looking into the black abyss that was our coffee.

                After I dragged deep from my smoke I looked up to make sure that I was aiming at the ashtray as I thumbed my ashes and noticed the most peculiar thing that I believe I have ever seen.  Instead of him thumping his ashes into the tray, he thumped them into his coffee mug as though that was the common thing to do.  I watched as the heavier of the ashes first settled on top of the blackness and then slowly dissolved deeper into the dark.  He dipped his forefinger into the torrid coffee and gingerly stirred what ashes remained at the top in with the rest of the mixture.  Not wanting to seem off put by this I quickly raised my head and presented a bit of my curiosity of this unique man's lifestyle.

                "You said back at the store you often use that silver to pay off crooked cops around there.  What's that shit about?  I mean I've heard a bit about shit like that like in Mexico but never really thought that much about it."

                "Yeah a lot of the time when a white guy or anyone that isn't native to those parts, no matter how long they have lived there, is passing through they often get taken by the local authorities.  Just stupid shit like passing road blocks that they just set up or they will just pull you over for no reason at all just to see if you will pay them off or argue with them.  No real sense of justice or right and wrong in that sense.  And trust me you don't want to tangle with them if you are alone, hundreds of miles away from anyone else.  They got the power and the guns.  You are in their home and they think you owe them something just for traversing it."  He said as he thumbed his ashes, once again, into the coffee mug, this time following it up by putting the cherry down in the liquid, extinguishing the small ember.  He tossed the wet butt into the ashtray, swirled his drink and took a long swill from the weird mixture.  I wondered to myself how in the world someone could stand the taste of ashy coffee.  I was sure he had probably been doing this for as long as I had been alive.

 

                 The fifty-plus waitress returned to the table asking us if we were ready to order or if we needed more time.  I kept quite allowing my breakfast partner to take the lead.  He drank down a generous gulp of coffee and ordered more.  I motioned to my cup letting her know that I would like a refresher myself.  The old timer glanced down at the menu, for what appeared to me, for the first time since we had sat down.  He didn't look longer than three seconds and immediately came up ordering steak and eggs with the eggs cooked over-easy and hash browns.  This sounding pretty delightful, I ordered the same telling the waitress that I wanted my steak cooked well-done.  She scribbled our order down on her little pad and placed it in the front pocket of her apron.  She feebly stretched her somewhat sagging arms out and took the menus from the table.

                With fresh cups of coffee, we both lit a cigarette simultaneously.  Without letting the conversation lack he immediately picked up where he had left off.

                "Yeah one time I was driving back from the states and decided it might be a good idea to pull off the lonesome highway and try and catch up on some sleep.  There are also a lot of bandits out there that will try and take you for all you got.  I pulled quite a ways off the highway and pulled out my little .38 to keep beside me.  You got to watch out for those fuckers.  It's not always the case but I always try and be prepared."  He said as he repeated his odd little ritual with the coffee and cigarette.  I nodded along blowing on my own cup.  "I couldn't have been asleep more than two hours when I heard someone knocking on my window.  It startled me awake and I immediately grabbed for my pistol and slid it up under my leg.  I looked out my window and noticed that it was a police officer, or what scum passes for police down there.  I rolled my window down a bit and he started in on the questions.  'Why had I parked here?'  'What gave me the right to sleep along his highway?'  'Why was I so far off the road?'  You know that sort of thing.  Without even contemplating I just reached in my wallet and pulled out forty bucks.  I slid it to him through the crack in the glass and his whole attitude changed just that quick."  He snapped his fingers to emphasize the speed in which this had happened.  "And that was that.  He said thanks and told me to be careful.  He warned me off all the crooks out here like he wasn't one himself.  I just straightened up, cranked up the old truck and hit the road again.  Shit like that happens all the time."

                "Man that shit's rough."  I responded totally engrossed in his tale.  "The whole place seems a bit out of it.  A bit third world."

                "Well it pretty much is.  I mean kid, I don't have a lot of money but me and my brother are considered rich down there.  Like what you would consider millionaires and I ain't got close to a million dollars.  I am sure I have had that much pass through my hands but it all comes and goes."

                "Sounds pretty exciting though."

                "Yeah it is, you just got to know what you are doing.  Be careful you know."

                "Yeah."  I was so frustrated with my generic replies but I really had nothing to add.  I slumped in my chair a bit, noticeably feeling inferior.  This was an old timer that had lived and here I was, barely twenty-two and hadn't done shit with anything.  I got caught up on my self-pity for a minute trying to realize where the time had gone and just what I have done to try and make anything of myself.  The last four years I had indulged in an almost endless amount of drugs and alcohol.  I lost what I thought was the love of my life just a few short weeks prior and was working as a fucking gas station attendant.  Just thinking about the lousy job I had done living my life to the fullest made my stomach turn.  Once again it was like the old man had read my mind.

                "You know I'm always looking for good hands.  I mean its hard work but I got a place you can stay and plenty of food for you till you get on your feet down there.  It really is a lovely country and it would definitely give you some of that life experience.  And I'm not saying that if you come down there with me you have to oblige me by working at the plantation any longer than you would want to.  You know something to get you started and maybe you could find something else you liked.  I don't know.  Something to think on."

                "I don't know man.  That would be a big change.  A huge change.  I'm on probation.  Not even sure I would be able to get out of the country without getting into trouble, and getting you in trouble.  I would hate for some of my misdoings to get you in a bind.  It's a tempting offer.  Very tempting offer I just don't think I could do that."  Here I was no more than two minutes ago beating myself up for never having done anything and here was this man offering to take me with him to fucking Costa Rica and I found the quickest way to say no.  It never entered my mind that this man could be a rapist or a murderer.  That he could be looking for some young kid to make his sex slave or something, the moment we got to his alleged farm house.  It wasn't any of that that would probably scare off the average person.  I was simply terrified of change, terrified of being away from my so-called home.

                The hoary waitress then returned to our table with our orders.  I was somewhat relieved that receiving our food put a halt on the talking for a few minutes at least.  I felt totally ashamed for turning this generous stranger down for what could have been the most exciting venture of my life.  She dished out the platters and we sat quietly and ate.  The food provided the break that I was looking for.  Nothing at all was said until we had both finished our meals.  He grumbled about the quality as we habitually lit our cigarettes.  I commented that mine was pretty good.  I wasn't sure if I had upset him by declining his invitation, but the conversation definitely seemed to suffer afterwards.

                Our server returned to our table one last time handing us our check.  She had put it all on the same tab.  I reached for my wallet to pay for my share of the meal.  He calmly said that he would take care of it.  His generosity amazed me yet again.  We both finished our smokes and stood up in front of our chairs.  We slowly gathered our belongings and made our way to the teller at the front of the building.  He stepped up to the register and paid the tab as I fumbled with the toothpick dispenser.  He returned his wallet to his rear pocket, thanked the teller and headed for the door.  I followed him out to the parking lot and to the sign I had chained my scooter to.

                "Thank you sir for all your generosity this morning.  I really do appreciate it.  Much more than I know how to show you."  I stated in true sincerity as I un-clasped the lock fastening the bike to the chain.

                "No problem son.  It's nice to eat with someone other than yourself for a change."

                "Yeah that lonely travel has got to be a bitch a lot of the times."

                "Yeah it can get to a person.  Anyway kid I enjoyed the company.  I need to get back on the road.  Going to try and make it to Little Rock before I have to pull over and sleep."

                "Okay sir.  Once again I appreciate everything, the silver, the breakfast and the conversation.  You're a hell of an interesting character I must say.  You be careful sir and maybe one day we can do this again.  Maybe on your way back you can stop in and I will buy you breakfast."

                "Sounds like a deal kid.  You be careful on that thing.  It was nice meeting you."

                "You too sir.  Really nice."  And with that he turned and headed towards his truck.  I straddled the little scooter and plugged my key into the ignition.  I sat for a minute pondering again what kind of opportunity I could be passing up.  I watched as he slowly backed out of the parking space, pulled out of the drive and eased the old beat up truck onto the service road.  Just like that the man from Costa Rica was gone.  I started up my scooter, lit a cigarette and headed home.

                Now here it is more than five years later and I still haven't done much with my life.  I did, however, venture out into our own desert across New Mexico and Arizona.  I felt like I had to do something while I had the chance, although I am positive that it would in no way have compared to the grand adventure of being a coffee plantation worker in Costa Rica.  I guess I will never know.  As I've often heard Anthony Kiedis graciously sing, "...it's better to regret something you did, than something you didn't do."  I wish I could have taken that advice then instead of wondering now.