Conversation with a Christian (Part 3)

                The old adage rings true, “If you want something done right, you must do it yourself.”  We have fired that useless sloth of an assistant.  People, you must do your job yourself.  Trust me; I have learned this first hand.  What should have been no more than three days’ worth of work, turned into a whining, week long bitch session on his end, leaving me to wrap up this thing I can’t seem to get rid of.  After a savage physical and verbal lashing and severe docking of his pay, he was seen scurrying out the back door, bags in hand, before the drinks could be served.

                To his credit, he has managed to edit the recording down considerably and transcribe what was important.  My main job as of now is to write the horrendous intro to what I think is the third and final part and then wrap this whole think up with a nice little bow of afterthought. 
                Don’t be confused about the interruptions.  Those were his thoughts along the way of listening, I guess.  I’m in no shape or mood to redo his work.  I am already here, staring at this beast of a screen; it’s not going to get much better on my end tonight.

 

D: Are you afraid to die?

J: Nah.  Nah, I can’t say I’m afraid to die.  I’m afraid of pain.  I’m scared shitless that I’ll be that motherfucker laying in a ditch for three days, in some cold ass water, you know, asphyxiating on my own vomit and blood.  I don’t think I’m afraid to just not wake up one day and not have any of this.  I will tell you, I keep suicide as an option at all times.  Not now as a young man because I feel healthy, but as I get older and stuff that’s all, I will always keep that back there because I know pain awaits.  I know the loss of everything else that, you know, that you love, awaits you.  I mean it awaits you in those years.  So if I know I can’t handle it, if I can’t handle the world anymore, I keep that as an open option.  I’m a good, I’m a good person.  I don’t harm nobody, unless they deserve it.  I don’t let nobody cross me but I don’t go out causing harm to nobody.  I help my neighbors.  I help my friends.  I’m always helping.  I take care of me and her, make sure our bills are paid.  I’m a good person.  I have my character flaws.

D: We can’t be good enough.  The thing is, if you don’t believe that there’s judgment then I guess it doesn’t really matter.

J: No, exactly.

D: But if you do accept there’s an idea of god and there is a judgment coming, if you, if you take that then the problem is we can’t be good enough because we’ve all sinned.  Accept him as your lord, that means, ok you bought and paid for me, you died for all my sins, you took all my hell, so I owe you my life and I’m willing to give it to ya.  Here’s the keys, however you want me to do life, I’m gonna do it and you tell me to love my neighbor, I’m gonna love my neighbor.  Um, if you tell me to um, worship the lord, I’m a worship the lord and if you tell me to live a moral life, then I’ll live a moral life.  What if I mess up?  If I confess my sins, he’s safe and just and forgives me and cleanses me for all of righteousness.  First John 19 says because he has already paid for it, and that’s something that’s available to people who uh, accept him you know.  If you throw out the bible I don’t have much to go with, but if you, if you take….

J: You don’t have you own heart to tell you, “I shouldn’t slap my wife, I should give my kids food so they don’t starve to death and I shouldn’t fuck teenage boys and I shouldn’t…

D: You can do all that.  You can do all that and you can avoid all these things that you’re talking about and still not be good enough for heaven.  My ultimate goal is to be obedient to god as to what I think he’s let me know, let me know what he expects out of people.  And really he, he offers salvation up front.  It’s a free gift.  Jesus did it, died on the cross, paid for all my sins, all yours.  And he says um, I’ll give you this, now I’m asking you um, because I’ve given you this, I’m asking you to use it well.  Live right, bless people, help ‘em out, forgive ‘em uh, don’t judge ‘em um, you know, be patient, be forgiving.  Um, all these things that we both know are quality virtues.  That’s the way.  Bit its people who, I think what the bible teaches is that people who think that, “Well I’m just gonna be good on my own.”  Um, that’ll get you a few points here and there with people in life but it’s, it’s not taking away the fundamental, alienation between you and god…

 

J: What about all those people that lived before Jesus?  Did they just automatically go to hell because there wasn’t away to be forgiven?

D: Well there was.

J: And what was that?  Sacrificing?  They talk a lot about sacrificing and stuff.  If you felt like you had done wrong, you…

D: Ok, you took a clean animal, a bull or a calf, he’s uh, he’s not got a, he’s not got eight toes on his head.  He’s perfect.

J: Yeah.  Leviticus gives you the whole list.

D: Ok and I uh, I’ve come, I’ve uh, I’ve committed these sins and these things and those things.  I transfer it to him and offer him as a sacrifice.  He’s innocent of them, but he has taken the guilt.  Now what that did was sort of um, held in escrow or something until the time of Jesus, so that Jesus you know, these were, these were kind of a pointer to Jesus.  He’s the, as the bible says…

J: Is that why they refer to him as the lamb a lot of times?

D: That’s it!  The Lamb of God, sacrificed unto the world.

J: Now what about, now all Christianity started in what is now known as the Middle East, right?  Egypt and the Middle East, right?

D: Jerusalem, yeah.

J: What about all those native tribes that lived in southern America or uh, southern Africa uh, and stuff like that, that had never heard the word of god?  For generations there were thousands of people that died and never heard the word of god.

D: They were, well the bible says that you need to make disciples out of them so that they won’t go to hell.

J: But there were people that died before Europeans or anybody with that kind of knowledge ever even came to them.  So what about those people?

D: Well, I think those who just uh, lived the life uh, went to hell.  I think those who want a relationship with god and tried the best that they can…

J: But they had no knowledge of it.  I mean there was, I mean if it was like if I mentioned, “Blah blah blah blah blah”, to you, it means nothing to you.

D: The, the, the message of Jesus is that those people, who don’t have the truth, need the truth, because it’s the truth that saves them.  They need to be saved so they won’t go to hell.  So yeah, I think you’re right.  I think that goes back to the uh, the question of those, how those tribes got to be savage.  They walked away from god.  They walked away.  Paganism is a degeneration from what we created, which was um…

J: So your logic is that everything starts off civilized and Christianity, and then diverted off into the different sects.  The natives weren’t even native until thousands of years later?

D: Yeah I guess.  Uh, there were, I mean there were tribes and there were heathens and pagans in the 1^st century, but I think that we trust for anybody who wanted to know more about god, that god provided a way for them to do that somehow or another.  Like there’s um, there’s these folks in the 1^st century called “god fearers”.  They weren’t Jews.  They hadn’t converted to Judaism, but they, they got as close to Judaism as they could.  They didn’t go through the circumcision and full conversion, but they say that these people who are Jews, they don’t worship a bunch of gods and just sort of wink at it, they take it seriously.  They worship this living god and they have a good moral, believable life and so they couldn’t fully participate.  I think there was always people like that, who were willing to um, consider you know…

J: Well, I’m talking about like in 10,000 B.C., when all this shit is going on in Egypt and stuff like that, there were people that lived in what is today’s California, and they had no knowledge of any of their religious beliefs or any of their anything!  No, no, no way to even get the knowledge, and they’re still destined to burn in hell?  That’s cold-hearted.

D: Well it’s a consequence of um…

J: It’s just a consequence of geography?

D: Well it’s a consequence of you know, their ancestors decisions to pull away from god.  Um, um, that I mean…

J: Ok, so you’re still taking it back to everybody spread, so that the people that loved in today’s California originated from Adam and Eve still?

D: Yeah.

J: Ok. Ok.  Ok.  See I have a hard time grasping the whole, ok, let me ask you this, Adam and Eve had sex, right?  Had kids?  Who did they fuck?

D: Well it had to be sisters!  That was before there was uh, a prohibition.  There’s, there’s no other way for the human race to get…

J: So incest?  So we were all bred through incest?

D: I, it really wasn’t technically incest at that time, and I don’t…

J: Incest is just a word.  They fucked their brothers and sisters, right?

D: Yeah.  Uh…

J: Right!  That’s incest!  That’s the definition of incest!

D: If, if Adam lives nine hundred years and they have children every year, there’s gonna be guys um, seventy-five years old and there’s gonna be sisters twenty.

J: Yeah but they have the exact same bloodline.

D: But they don’t even know each other.  I mean, I mean they know each other, but it’s not like, it’s not…

J: I don’t give a damn.  If I woulda went and met some girl at some club and brought her home and fucked her, then the next day I was flipping through a family album and seen her at you know, a picnic of ours, it would be the same thing.  I didn’t know she was my cousin.

D: There’s just no other explanation.  That’s all I’ve got for you.

J: Oh no, I agree.  There is no other explanation and if, isn’t that kinda weird though?

A large section is edited here due to the ridiculous subject matter that came next.

J: My sister, they were going to that “Six Flags over Jesus”, P.G. Baptist.  See that’s ridiculous to have a church that cost more than a million dollars.  More than a million, I bet that place had to cost more than a million dollars.  To have a church like that is fucking ridiculous.  That’s the epitome, like I said, I’ll never object to the moral values in that thing, but there’s a few good, like the whole, you know, it’s harder for a rich man to get into heaven than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle.  I agree with that shit.  And I one hundred percent agree with the meek shall inherit the earth.  You know I, if, if that rings true, I will be a happy son of a bitch, but it doesn’t seem to be heading that way now.  Seems like all those greedy ass pigs-heads, they rule everything.

D: There’s always been that kind of conflict though.

J: It has.  There, there always has, but when will it end dude?  When will it end?

D: (Laughs)  I mean what you’re, what you’re looking and hoping and praying for is the same thing people like me are.  You know that’s what we say and god says, “Well it will when, when time is up.  It’ll, it’ll be up and, and everybody, everything will be just and fair.”

J: In my state of mind, without you know, having that to rely on, I think, you know, it’s probably a whole lot easier just too uh, fit within the system cause I’m comfortable.  I can come home and do what, you know, let’s say we live in a free world, you know, a free country, it’s, it’s semi-free, I’ll say it’s semi-free, within the confines of this, as long as I can get into this house, you know within the confines of this house, I am relatively free.  Either that or live uncomfortably.  You can be completely free if you want to, but you don’t get any of the benefits that the system offers you, you know.  You know like, like right now I don’t have any insurance.  The state of Arkansas is paying for my back surgery.  You know, so I wouldn’t have them kind of benefits or anything like that if I, you know, exited the system.

D: A lot of people who are Christians are also flag flying, you know, America is not Christianity and America is not um, you know, god.  Um, America…

J: America breeds people like Fred Phelps though, so, they, he’s totally unpatriotic.  He’s totally like the juxtaposition of what you just said.  See he hates America but he’s like all Christian.

D: I don’t think, I mean a lot of people think god loves America and America’s got special placement in god’s heart and um, I don’t see that in the bible either.

J: Nationality ain’t got nothing to do with it.

D: No, not really.  God made a covenant with Abraham.  Abraham’s family became Israel.  They got this special thing going.  Um, Jesus came from Israel, so there’s this special place they have because, because god was using that, that whole group of people to make his name known to the world.  And he did and he has and that’s why I’m doing what I’m doing and it’s all still uh, um an outgrowth of all that.  But um, America, the bible doesn’t know a thing in the world about America.

                Normally when I’m with a person who’s gonna have surgery the next day, I’ll say, “Do you want me to pray with you?”  You know, but I wasn’t going to do that.  I’ll, I’ll just throw it at you.  What do you think?

J: To pray with me?

D: Yeah.

J: I’m not praying.  I’ve got no one to pray to.

D: Mmkay, I’ll just, I’ll just pray for you then

J: I enjoy conversation and stuff, but you have a family and stuff like that.  Do you not feel like your time could be spent, you know, better?

D: Um, I’, not, I’m on the clock.  This is, this is time for me to be doing this, but the guy who was with me, he’s gotta, he’s gotta full time job.  He was doing that extra.  He was doing that because he believes in it, cares about people, you know.  Um, people uh, like I say, god wants people to know I’m here, I care about you, I’m for you not against you.  If you’ll give me a chance, I’ll bless your socks off.  And that’s what this is all about and that’s why we are sitting here having this conversation, because I’ve been to your place a couple times to invite you to my church because god wants you there.  Um, give him a chance.

J: I don’t know.  I think it’s because you got this idea that you might win brownie points or something.  I don’t know.  The more souls you convert, they got a counter up there like an abacus or something.

D: No.  Nah, I’m not getting any points.  The only points I’ve gotten are given to me uh, uh Jesus has given me all the points there are to have.  Now that’s just a free gift.  And I do this out of gratitude to him.  I mean that’s, that’s really what motivates uh, a real honest Christian.  Um…

It is apparent here that our author has no intention of keeping his marijuana consumption a secret.  Barely visible in the lowered cam, not to reveal the poor deacon’s face, a bag, pack of papers, and grinder is made visible.  The tense silence seems to last much longer than it should have with anybody confronted with this situation.  From what James has told me, he began to sweat, under what I could only assume was the tight and high collar of a pastel yellow Polo shirt.

D: I doing what I do um, out of gratitude to him.  He’s done everything for me and I’m gonna do what I can to show my gratitude.  Um, and that’s really what it’s about here.

J: So you don’t honestly think, I mean there’s not this fucking contest against or there’s not this contest for how many souls you can convert in a week or…?

D: No, there might be in some.

J: Awe, well that’s an ignorant statement.  I probably shouldn’t…

D: There might be in some circles but um…

J: What about these congregations that, I mean these televangelists and stuff like, see this is another part of why I don’t do, it’s not necessarily the bible or the religion as a whole, its organized religion.  The people that you associate yourself with have, I mean, they are full of rampant pederasts, fucking women beaters, you know.  All kinds of stuff I mean, at the topest, at the top ranks…

D: Well I mean you’re making broad brush strokes there.  There’s bad people all around.  There’s a lot more bad people who are godless than there are bad people who are uh, in Christianity I think.  And televangelists are a joke.  They’re, they’re begging for money.  They’re making stuff up.  Um, not all of them, but the ones that you’re kinda referring to, you know, they are a joke.  I’m not into that.  I don’t want to be a televangelist. 

J: But they’re on, they’re on the same side you are.  You don’t associate yourself with any type, I mean but the label Christian associates you with them.

D: Well the label human does too.

J: Yeah!  You’re right.  You’re right.  I agree with ya.

D: I’ll pray for you.  I’ll check on you tomorrow.

J: Alright man, well I, I enjoyed it.  I really did.

D: Good, I’m glad you did.  I appreciate it.  I enjoyed it too.

J: Yeah, well my door is always open man.  I’m always; I like intelligent conversations on any subject matter.  And religion, I mean we live in a world where religion is abundant.  We live in a world where religion, I mean it forms our laws.  I can’t walk down to the store and get a bottle of wine because…

D: You’ve really got yours too.  I mean you’re kinda like ancient cynicism or something.

J: Oh there’s a lot of cynicism in it.  I don’t know about ancient.

D: I mean, I mean the original cynics who just lived um, by uh, just if it feels good do it, if it don’t, don’t.

J: Yeah exactly!  Exactly!

D: Whatever goes, that’s cynicism.  That’s pretty much what you, you are going by, yeah that’s a religion.

J: Well it’s a lifestyle.  I won’t say religion, it’s a lifestyle.

D: But it’s something that you, if you say, “I believe in this, I believe in that.  I don’t believe in children.  I don’t believe in marriage.”  You got a system there.  You got a philosophy.  And uh, it’s, it’s a religion.  Uh, um you got your own…

J: Yeah if you want to put it in those terms.

D: You gotta talk to people and persuade other people of your beliefs.  You’re doing the same thing I’m doing.

J: You’re right.

 

                This seems like a better ending point than what that shiftless apprentice had.  It also brings me to a closing argument I had not brought up in the conversation, for reasons I’m sure we would all debate.  The recruitment process is a must with these types of people.  To my knowledge, limited as it may be, no other religion or group tries as hard to get their numbers up as Christians seem to do.  It’s almost as if it was a political campaign, but all they claim to want is to save your soul.
                Think about how scary it is that we have a large number of the adult population, even a lot of those in power that believe in vengeful deities from other worlds.  Imagine, for a minute, the broader spectrum of Christian mythology.  All of that Rosemary’s baby, Illuminati, nine circles of hell shit must be real if the Jesus Christ, son of god, shit is.  At least L. Ron Hubbard knew he was full of shit.

 

james l beasley jr

hopeless, AR