Death of a Christian

            I gave myself to you at an early age.  I felt your presence from the moment I began to seek the Truth.  I felt your guidance, your security, your love.  The world began to open up to me.  My sense of sight became heightened.  I could see things I was blind to previously.  I knew then that we all, as human beings, are playing detrimental parts in a war that pits good against evil.  It is the war of wars, and most of the troops in this war, on both sides, are blind to the real truths. 

            I have personally witnessed the manifestation of both angels and demons in some of the most peculiar ways.  I have heard the voice of God whispered in my ear.  I have had the hum of the devil buzz wildly like bees trapped inside my head.  Constant static and white noise accompanied with weird shrieks and distinct orders, orders of a truly wicked nature.  I know the truth.
             I have spent my entire adult life spreading the word of Christ our Lord and searching for the truth.  During my life long journey for this knowledge I became closer to you God and our bond became stronger than ever, but during these times my faith has been tried over and again.

 “Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground and worshipped,

And said, ‘Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.’”

                                                                                                                                    Job 1:20-21

During these trials you showed me things I do not believe the average Christian even really believes is lingering in those dark recesses of both their physical and spiritual world.  The closer I got to you the more horrible the truths were, the harder they tried for my soul, the more they took away from me, including my family, to get me to denounce my faith in you and become a servant of the dark, but much like Job, Lord, my faith never faltered.  I know you are true love.  I know this body is merely a vessel for the true me until it is my time to stand with you Lord. 

 “O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.”

                                                                                                                        Psalms 139:1-2           

 

            I know Lord God that you see right through me.  You know what this is all about.  This I am doing now is more for me and those I will leave behind.  I feel like the knowledge that you, yourself, the one true God, has bestowed upon me has taken its final toll. 

 “So that my soul chooseth strangling, and death rather than my life.”

                                                                                                                                    Job 7:15

I truly feel that my work has been done.

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.”

                                                                                                                        Ephesians 2:10

This I have done for you Lord.  Once again I feel like my work in this world is done.  I have obeyed and never once have I betrayed.  I have been a faithful servant my Lord, but my mind is broken, not my spirit, just my mind.  To bear witness to the things I have has caused a break down in what was once a semi-normal life.  First my sleep patterns began to change drastically due to horrific nightmares brought on by the random visits from some of Satan’s strongest subjects.  The six to eight hours I was getting prior to the strange visions and or encounters occurred during what most would consider normal hours.  Being a working stiff had me on a pretty decent routine.  Soon I wasn’t sleeping much during the night hours and would try and catch a few winks here in there throughout the day, whenever possible.  It didn’t seem to take long until I was in the grips of complete insomnia.

            It is pertinent no matter your spiritual strength that your body and mind rest.  Everything that led up to that point, all the visual and auditory hallucinations, I guess you would have to call them hallucinations because they were damn sure not apparent to anyone else, began to come at more and more frequent intervals. You know Lord how much I prayed to you, how much strength I begged you for, and for the longest time you seemed to grant me these small prayers.  Despite of my lack of sleep I managed to hold down my job.  My home life was not so lucky.  My wife began to become very concerned with the way I was acting and my lack of sleep.  She scheduled test after test with several sleep clinics to no avail.  Of course I didn’t indulge to them as to what was keeping me up and of course they all chalked it up to being something psychosomatic of course, this is what I had come to expect.  I hadn’t at that time been completely honest with my wife either, which was definitely wrong on my part.  Being a solid Christian couple I should have shared everything with her from the beginning, maybe then she would have had some more understanding.  I could have involved my family instead of keeping them ignorant to the battle that was apparently happening inside my mind and soul.  Although I have always felt that my soul was safe, I never fathomed that my sanity might be in danger.

          After a few months of no more than twenty hours of sleep, a scared five year old, and a frantic wife, I finally decided to break down and tell her all the details, every last word heard by any number of the voices screaming at me almost constantly to do this and that, to murder, to rape, to molest and mutilate children.  I told her about all the apparitions I have seen and still see, all the ghostly figures in mirrors and vivid dreams of angels of fire, drawing swords, and pointing me towards figures and beings and knowledge.  I told her of the state of constant prayer I found myself in most times.  I knew she was devout, as devout as I, and knew that she would then take me into her arms and reassure me that she was there for me, that she was there on mine and God’s side when it comes to fighting the good fight.  These are the things I knew in my heart would come.

             What reality had in store for me was something totally different.  As most in this century would assume she tried to convince me that I needed to seek professional help.  She did reassure me that she was there for me but she made it appoint that we were not on the same page.  I again, trying to hold back as much of the “crazy” emotions as I could, attempted to get her to realize what I was telling her was the truth.  I explained to her that I wasn’t for sure of all the details.  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out as to why all these entities where attracted to me.  I am devout but I am almost positive that there are far more devout people out there than I.  The only thing I can figure singled me out or made me more vulnerable were the questions that I asked you, my Lord.

            Maybe my fatal mistake was the search for knowledge and reason.  Instead of following blindly I feel like I brought our relationship to the foreground of my life and dissected it with scrutiny, and you were so kind as to take time and answer each and every one of my queries.  You showed me so much and as our relationship grew stronger the questions grew stranger and the answers became more unbearable.

            It wasn’t long until my wife had had enough of my rants and awkward behaviors around the house.  I had managed still to keep my job, by then I am sure it was by the skin of my teeth or by the grace of you Lord, but she had to seek her own kind of comfort and thought it was best to take our child with her.  I couldn’t really blame her, I mean of course I was hurt and devastated and mad, but I could understand her reluctance and the need to know her and her child were safe.

            With her and the child out of the house I began to lose it.  I felt my life simply just falling apart and again I came to you and begged you for strength and understanding.  Your will is what is to be done and for me to ask of anything different is to deny your will, but knowing this I begged, and you gave. 

            The next two weeks seemed to be only a dream.  I began to sense a distinct burden lift from me.  I started sleeping again and I was so grateful to you Lord.  I began to feel like the worse was over and I could then began to rebuild my life.  I had passed the test.  Satan threw his best at me, and I, by your strength only Lord, batted them away.  I became reborn for the second time in my life.  I felt like a new man and I knew what needed to be done to gather the parts of my life together again.                 

          A few days into the wonderful release, I phoned my wife and made sort of a date with her to let her in on recent developments.  We had a great evening but there was still much concern on her part.  We agreed to give it a few weeks’ time to make sure that I felt like the battle was truly over.  Everything went perfectly, that was until just a few days ago.

             I woke up from another horrible visit from one of Lucifer’s lackeys and realized that I was not yet free.  That journey for knowledge I began all those years ago, was now more eager than ever to present me with all kinds of truths.  I called my wife again and everything went horribly wrong the moment the call was connected, and of course all she could swear to where the noises made by me.  She heard none of the other parties present.  When the call connected I didn’t even have the chance to make a proper greeting before a loud, sharp, electric shriek sang out into my earpiece.  I yanked the phone away and gathered my thoughts.  I placed the handset back up to my ear and made sure that she was still on the other line.  We made a short greeting and I tried to explain to her what had happened with the phone, which immediately elicited a sigh from her end.  I, without going in to much detail, explained to her what had happened the previous night.  As I suspected, there was much disappointment in her voice when she tried to respond.  Before the first syllables of her reaction fell upon my ear another electronic shriek tore through the line.  I immediately dropped the handset and it crashed violently to the ground.  Once again I regained my composure and picked the phone up off of the floor.  She was still waiting semi-patiently on the other end.  Not wanting to hear my reasons or excuses, she quickly told me that we will just have to talk about it another time and terminated the call.  Feeling terrified and forsaken I sat at the dining room table and once again came to you my Lord.

“Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

                                                                                                                                    James 4:7

              I sat at the table with a million demonic voices ripping through my head.  I cleared enough room to recite a command I had learned from a book during some of my studies.

            “Satan, I close every door that I have opened to you and I renounce every activity I have partaken with you.  In Jesus name, I submit myself to God.  I resist you and command you to flee from me.  I remind you that you are defeated by the power of the cross- and with the authority given to me by Jesus Christ I command you and force you to leave me right now!”

            Immediately the voices ceased and everything seemed to become brighter, began to radiate with natural light.  I rose from the chair relieved and eternally grateful.  I thanked and praised you tirelessly, Lord God, for your love and forgiveness, throughout the remainder of the day.  I praised you literally until I passed out.  The last thing I could remember saying to myself or perhaps hearing from you, Lord, was,

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

                                                                                                                        Romans 8:38-39

               Immediately after the last word was heard or spoken, whatever the case may have been, I went right to sleep.  I do not recall a single thought after that moment.  I do not believe I was asleep more than fifteen minutes before I felt my body seize sharply, putting me in a tense, straight as a board, position.  As every muscle in my body seemed to simultaneously tighten up, each and every one of them became paralytic.  I could not so much as open my eyelids, no matter how hard I tried, and believe me I tried.  Of course, once again, you know of all of this my Lord, but I guess it helps to get it all out and I truly, truly hope that my wife becomes fully aware of what is going on around all of us, her and my child both.  God, my Lord I wish I could wake the world with what I know but I can’t.  You know as well as I do that the masses want to remain in a permanent hypnosis.

            As I tried franticly to free myself from whatever had bound me, my mind was flooded with all of the most horrific images one can imagine.  All of the most deranged and grotesques acts that any one person could fathom done to all man, beast, woman, child, elder, village, town, city, all of creation as a whole, flashed almost as if they were being rolled off of a projector and directly into my brain.  Without physically being there I witnessed hundreds of morbid and macabre scenes, in the first person, giving the feeling of actually being a part of the scene, within a matter of seconds, although it felt like I was in that state for a minimum of thirty minutes.  

            When released from this paralysis, I immediately bolted upright and my head was taken over next.  Horribly demonic sounds, deep guttural groans and whisper soft hisses, filled my ears.  I could hear a low chanting.  I couldn’t make out the words, not that I was trying all that hard.  What got me the most were the beastly groans and growls.  I grabbed the two closest pillows and shoved them over my ears, knowing that it would do no good.  I buried myself in the comforter and pillows and tried to bear with it the best that I could, constantly trying to reach you Lord.  This went on for hours with me in agonizing pain, mentally and physically.  Finally Lord you granted me peace once again but only for a short time.  During this rather short break I manage to make my way to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water.  No sooner than I had set the glass on the counter, I was brought to my knees by a piercing pang that shot through the front of my head, right behind my eyes.  It was intense, but brief and I quickly tossed it off as sort of an aftershock of all the craziness that was going on just minutes before.  I rose to me feet and was again brought down by the same sharp pain.  On my knees, I lifted my head and adjusted my eyes from the immense tightening I had done in reaction to the pain, and noticed, clear as crystal, but just as brief as the lightning in my head, a man, standing right above me, with absolutely no features.

              I quickly and tightly shut my eyes, with the hopes it would be gone when I reopened them, but deep down I knew that it had appeared and disappeared while my eyes were wide open, leaving me only to think of how cowardly I was being.  With the silence I brought myself back to my feet and made way back into my bedroom.  I sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes, trying to ease the pressure behind my eyes, and thought that I might have enough quiet time to actually get some sleep.  Amazingly I was able to fall straight asleep and stay asleep for at least an hour.  There was no strange noises or horrific visions to stir me, I just felt a sudden panic and jerked myself awake.  It wasn’t until I was sitting up before they swarmed me again, with all their horrendous shrill and shrieks.  One or more of them were literally raping a woman in my head.  There were no visuals but the noises were not to be mistaken.  She screamed to no one in certain for mercy and help.  I could hear the despair in her voice.  She screamed and wailed for her assailants to stop, with no response from them, verbal or otherwise.

            I placed my hands over my ears, pressed tightly against my head, and screamed as loud as I could possibly scream in a lame attempt to drown her out, but it did absolutely nil.  It seemed the louder I got and the harder I tried to block her brutal cries, the more anguish and volume she presented them with. 

            I couldn’t and still don’t understand it Lord.  You watched me writhe in pain and agony my Lord.  You witnessed the sickness of that of only heroin junkies overtake me causing my life to spiral out of control.  I yanked and smashed my head for hours listening to the unrelenting screams as they seem to never get their fill of their debauchery.

           The torment, once again, ceased just as abruptly as it had started.  My head was instantly cleared and all pressure was relieved as if nothing had ever happened.  I knew that they wouldn’t give me long until they grabbed me again so I tried to make good use of the time.  I phoned my boss, even though I was already hours late, and gave him a generic excuse as to why I hadn’t arrived and why I wouldn’t be in later.  He bought it for the most part but I could hear concern in his voice.  After hanging up the phone I went into the den and grabbed my bible.  My thought was that I was going to get a head start on the next attack and fully dive into your word Lord and try and keep nothing but you in my thoughts.  I found my bible, exactly where I had left it, and went back to sit at the dining room table.  I sat at the table and decided I would just open your book randomly and point and just see what you had to say.  I couldn’t get you to answer any other way and thought that this would be the perfect way to get your thoughts and this Lord; this is what you gave me. 

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

                                                                                                                        Romans 12:1-2

            

            I see now Lord.  I would have never gathered that information if it wasn’t for you.  You guided my hand and pointed me towards the words that were most fitting of my situation.  I see now, Lord, that I must give my body unto you in order to save it from the forces that intend to tear it limb from limb.  Thank you my Lord, once again I have asked and you have given and I will again give to you my life. 

        To those I will leave behind, I will see you all again and anxiously await those moments.  I am sorry for the pain I have caused all of you but I realize now what I must do.  I know it may seem strange and rash but I promise you it was what had to be done.  I love you all with everything that I was and everything that I will be.  We will be together.  Life does not end here!