Shadows

              "I wanna show you the most euphoric experience ever."

               I met a man.  A very strange man.  A religiously charged man.  A man of great girth.  A man of good nature but bad hygiene.  His name was Dan.  He was a fairly large man, 350lbs at least and rather grimy.  He seemed to always smell of soured milk and sweat, even if it was seven o'clock in the morning and he had not yet started the physical part of his day.  Always clad in an old, tattered Hanes t-shirt with one breast pocket and well-worn jogging pants, stained with what I like to assume was various types of lacquer and wood stain, which was probably the case.  His hair looked as if it had gone unwashed and uncombed for days.  It had much of the same appearance as that of a Charolaise cow.  His vehicle, which was an old beat up S-10 Chevrolet, shared his outward appearance.  He was a good man though, good hearted and semi-intelligent.  He was more intelligent than most and very well spoken.  He was deeply into politics and religion.  Like most Christian conservatives, his religious beliefs shaped his political beliefs. 

                I met him when I was working in a little mom and pop hardware store in Hope, AR.  Our outlook on things often clashed, but it made for some hell of some conversations.  He said that he was originally from Arizona.  He had worked as a construction foreman and ran large crews, building large industrial buildings and schools.  Somehow he had ended up in Hope and had been struggling to survive, according to him, ever since.                 

                I don't remember our very first conversation but I do know that it didn't take long for us to start having little debates.  I do believe it all stemmed from his outright unabashed voicing of his religious beliefs.  Me being more of an agnostic and a slight instigator I am sure I huffed at something he said and this got his attention.  He questioned me about my religious beliefs and I explained to him that I was unsure.  I said that I am pretty positive that Christianity does not have the right answer.  In my opinion I don't think any organized religion has is just right.  Especially one of the youngest and since its inception has been divided and divided more than any other religion in the world.  It seems to me that Christians only want to take from the bible what they think applies to them and leave the rest and this has caused Christianity to divide itself into many denominations just by having one or more people saying, "Well I believe in Jesus and his teachings, but I think I'm going to eat meat on Fridays or I think it's okay to go dancing or have seven wives", whatever the case may be.  He seemed to be shocked at my stance on this.  I also explained to him that I will never say that there is not a creator I just don't think anyone on this earth knows who or what that is and I don't believe that it is omnipotent by any means.  It didn't take him a Nano-second to chime in and I was totally expecting it.  I mean you can't say some of the things I said to a so called devout Christian and not elicit a response.  I can't remember exactly what it was that he had said.  I hadn't even really known the guy at that point and wasn't taking in his view as someone who was an authority on the subject.  I mean I've heard a lot of people ramble on about god and Jesus and they seem to all have the same generic answers.  I do remember though that Debbie, the lady that was in charge of the floor department, was down there in the midst of it and she had to chime in her two cents.  She said something to the effect of how cowardly it was to be an agnostic.  That if I had called myself an atheist that would have settled with her a bit better.  I turned to her and explained that I wasn't the kind of cocky, arrogant person to say, "I know for a fact there is no god or creator."  Not much else came out of her mouth after that.  It was from that day on that we, Dan and I, held some of the most politically and religiously charged conversations.

                I tried to listen to a lot of the things he said.  He was real articulate and knew his stuff, but I have some pretty twisted world views and the ravings of one man are not likely to change them.  I am an anarchist in the true sense of the word, meaning I believe that the government is rotten to the core.  I don’t believe in any of that chaos or disorder bullshit.   There has to be some sort of system in play I just don’t think the one we have nor are the others that are abundant in this world correct.  I think communal living would be the best way to go, but the population is far too abundant and the people in it are far too dependent on certain things communal living could not provide.  With our system the way it is today and has been since its inception I truly believe that the politicians themselves, and this maybe where the problem lies, are pure evil and they are the same ones who end up elected every time.  Whether they are democrat or republican it doesn't matter.  They are in it for their own selfish agendas.  I believe lobbyist control congress by buying votes.  I believe the people in power have a hidden agenda, which is to keep the population docile with a high fat diet and mind numbing television which will help them to complete their main goal of world domination, and they will do anything to keep this hidden from the American people.  I believe the voting process is a joke.  The popular vote is just away to put the masses mind's at ease.  Even if every vote did count, the people the votes are cast for never do as they say and always blame the other party.  It's one big three ring circus.  So when one man tries to tell me that one side is right, in this case the republicans and the other side are just a bunch of lying dogs, I have a tendency to just shrug it off because in reality they are all lying dogs.   Dan’s views though sometimes bordered on paranoid delusions.  A few things that stuck out in my mind were when once he told me that he had a friend that lived in Montana and had some sort of job where he traveled the state.  He said that late one night this friend had called him all super excited and began to explain to him the beginnings of what he thought was going to be the holocaust of the Christian people.  He told me that his friend said that the previous evening he was coming across a part of Montana and had noticed a long line of empty FEMA boxcars resting on an otherwise vacant stretch of railway.  In his, and now Dan's mind, this was a telltale sign that the government had something very sinister laid out.  Dan went on to explain to me that the Occupy Wall Street movement was going to be the government's excuse to call civil unrest and put the elections of 2012 on hold until they could regain control of the populous.  Because of this, Obama was to stay in power and little do the American people know, President Obama is actually a socialist Satanist and will then began to gather all of the Christians onto trains, much like the Jews in Germany, and lead them to their impending death.  This caught me totally off guard.  I just had to laugh at the thought that this man actually believes what he is saying.  I remember bragging that I was glad I would be safe.  He kind of chuckled at that and told me, "Not if I have anything to do with it.  I am going to save your soul."  He was always trying, in vain, to convert me.

                We had got into a couple of conversations about the converting efforts and he kept telling me that heaven was going to be better than any drug I had ever tried.  I would spout out stuff like, "Even better than L.S.D. or ecstasy?" 

                He always came back with, "It's going to be the most euphoric trip you have ever been on, and it's going to last for an eternity."

                "An eternity?  Fuck that. Thirteen or fourteen hours is plenty for me.  After that I wanna crash and go to sleep."  We would laugh together and usually go our separate ways.

                I remember another story he had told me that I actually had to go home and look into and turned out that he wasn't the only one to believe it.  Apparently "American Pie" by Don McLean has a lot of deeper meaning to it and says some pretty brazen things about some people and a whole generation in my opinion.  We were on the subject of good music and I was explaining to him my opinion on today's popular music.  I told him that I hated today's popular radio music.  I enjoyed the Beatles and the Stones a lot more.  The only thing that even comes close, and some even supersedes, is early nineties grunge, punk.  It was then he told me I needed to listen to "American Pie"

                "Oh I've heard it plenty of times." I rebutted.

                "But have you ever really listened to it?  I mean really listened to it."

                "I don't guess so.  I mean it's a good song, but it's not one of my favorites so I probably never listened to close to it."

                "You need to go home and listen to it.  Don McLean is a good guy.  He talks about how the Stones, Mick Jagger really, sold his soul to the devil to become famous.  After becoming famous he wrote 'Sympathy for the Devil'.  That song tells all."

                "I don't know about all that."  I said kind of sternly.

                "You know that free concert they put on where they had the Hell's Angels as security?"

                "Yeah, the one at Altamont.  Where the guy got killed."

                "Yeah.  During that song, 'Sympathy for the Devil', a riot broke out and a fire erupted.  Jagger and the rest of the band escaped.  He has a lot of poetic undertones but it's all there.  The Stones literally sold their souls for rock and roll and the guy who died at Altamont was their human sacrifice."

                "I don't know about all that now." I said with considerable doubt.  That evening I went home and looked up lyrics and meanings to "American Pie" and sure enough this Don McLean character truly believed this.  Of course the song is about a lot of other things that are happening around him but what Dan had said was clearly stated right there.  I will say even to this day it is very poetic, and a good depiction of one man's views but still in my opinion there has to be a devil in order for you to sell your soul to him.

                There were plenty of these types of discussions and it made me kind of eager to chat with Dan.  Even if I don't agree with someone's views, to me it is still knowledge and he had the kind of knowledge that interested me.  We often got into some heated debates about politics.  I got him all pissed off one time because I was expressing my discontent towards the gluttony of our nation.  The greed and the neglect we show other countries less fortunate.  In my opinion there shouldn't be any reason for a child to starve no matter the location or monetary value of his/her country.  This set him off.

                "All you goddamned leftist are the fucking same!  Give 'em this.  Give 'em that.  You think I'm gonna give up what I earn to help people that don't do for themselves.  Fuck that!  It's not my responsibility to go giving handouts to people who are able bodied and able minded!"  He started to shout rather loudly.

                "I'm not saying that you gotta give up your share.  It just bothers the piss out of me that we live in a country where at any given time I can go down to the local buffet and eat enough for me and two others, and what I don't eat goes into the trash.  At the same time I'm stuffing my face there are thousands, if not millions of starving kids throughout the rest of the world.  I mean just the idea of an all you can eat buffet shows you how gluttonous of a country we really are."  I say all this knowing that I am part of the problem too.  I am very much a hypocrite because while I think these kinds of thoughts, I have no problem going down to Panda Palace or wherever and making myself miserable on sesame seed chicken or peppered steak.  I guess it's just me trying to express what few liberties I do truly have in this country.

                "Well once again, it ain't my responsibility to feed all the needy."  He was a little calmer as he said this.

                "Yeah, but they main point is that our government is like a man, one of us, going into one of these eateries.  We go in knowing that there is a million other more conservative, more economical ways to ease our appetites.  Even with this knowledge we willingly decide that we are going to over indulge and be wasteful.  This is what our government does with our money.  They know of ways to fix the budget.  They know of ways to help the needy and the hungry but instead they sit down at the dinner table, stuff their already fat faces, pause only to undo their belt and the button of their khakis, and continue with their gluttonous, greedy behavior."  I stated this, expecting another loud outburst from Dan, but instead he started laying out blame to certain people who were in control at the time.  I've already explained to you that I do think the people in power are the ones to blame but the way he started voicing it, it was like there was no one before the current party in power.  It was here and after that I started picking up on his blaming trait.  I'm sure he had done this since day one, I had just never paid enough attention, but now I was going to.

                Every time that Dan came into the store thereafter I would make my usual salutation and I started to note his responses.  "Good morning.  How’s it going?"

                "You know.  Just another day in Obamaville." he would say.  "Just trying to make it in this messed up little world.  Can't seem to get ahead.  Get up and go to work every day and then all these damn democrats wanna come and take my money away."

                "Is it really that bad?"

                "It's worse.  Every time I turn on the T.V., there he is, your lovely little president, coming up with another way to cheat me out of mine and give it to those who don't wanna work.  I live in in house that has no heat or air, cause the democrats have single handedly destroyed our once prevailing economy."

                "Seriously?  Single handedly?  Bush had nothing to do with it?  The Federal Reserve had nothing to do with it?"

                "Not as much as you would like to think they had.  It's Nancy Pelosi and all you favorite congressmen.  Since the democrats have taken over it has all gone to shit."  I had never expressed to him that I was a democrat but I guess he took it upon himself to make that assumption since I expressed discontent with his chosen party.

                "You keep believing that shit Dan.  Keep believing it's just them and that the economy is in the pot because the democrats took over the senate.  Don't lay any of the blame on the millions spent chasing what Bush liked to pretend were evil super villains and he, the gun toting hero coming to all of so called 'freedom's' rescue.  Don't give any credit to the Federal Reserve responsible for the housing market crash."

                "The democrats are liars.  They are trying to take all my money that I work hard for and give it to all those welfare recipients who don't wanna have to work.  Who just wanna lay around and expect everyone else to pay their way."  He always seemed to revert back to this point.  "Like I said, I get up every day and go to work.  I put in my ten or twelve hours and I have to go home to a shanty with no heat or air conditioner.  I've been sleeping fully dressed under two blankets and I still feel like shit.  I have no insurance so I can't afford to go to the doctor.  I just suffer and its people like you who think everything should be equal, oh spread the wealth.  Well I don't have anything else to spread."  This was only one of the conversations, and one of the later at that, we had after I noticed that he had a tendency to want to blame everyone else for his position in life.  The way I see it is that you make your own way.  Yeah, he might have had a good job and lost it due to a trying economy, but I don't see that as a reason not to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again.  I've seen and still see a many people on a daily basis that have been in similar situations and refuse to let it get them down.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's natural for every one with a little bit of political knowledge to want to bitch about this or that and as longs as there is someone to point a finger at there will always be finger pointers.  Dan took the cake though.  Took it and swallowed it whole.

                Not long after that last conversation, I noticed that Dan hadn't been in in a while.  I guess I had started to miss his diatribes and became a bit concerned.  A few more days had passed and I caught up with Mr. Brady, the guy whose shop Dan worked out of, at the store and asked him where Dan had been hiding.

                "He's been in hospital.  Been real bad off." he said to me with a bit of a weary tone.

                "What?  I mean what happened?"  I asked very concerned.  Despite our differences I had come to enjoy Dan's insight, crazy or not.

                "Well you know how he's been living in that kind of run down house?"

                "Yeah."

                "He ain't got no heat and it's been pretty cold.  He told me that old house is real drafty and he's been sleeping under multiple blankets.  A couple weeks ago he started feeling pretty crummy.  Thought he had just caught a cold or was maybe coming down with the flu.  Turned out to be pneumonia and he never went to the doctor about it.  And about a week ago he just started swelling up all over.  Holding water or something.  Friday he got to where he could barely stand and couldn't hardly walk at all.  He managed to drive himself to the emergency room and they admitted him right then and there."

                "So what's the deal?" I inquired even more intrigued than before.

                "They think congestive heart failure.  They gotta run some more tests today but they are pretty sure that is what it is."

                "Man that sucks.  I remember him in here talking about he wasn't feeling too good a couple weeks ago but I hadn't seen much of him since."

                "Yeah he's pretty bad off.  He's seriously unhealthy though.  Carrying all that extra weight, smoking and not eating right.  I'm just glad he caught it.  He wasn't wanting to go to the doctor but once you put on that much weight that fast and can hardly move, I mean something has gotta give."

                "Hell yeah.  Is he up here at Memorial Park?"

                "Yeah."

                "What room?"

                "104."

                "I am gonna have to go see him."

                "I know he would appreciate it." He drank the last sip of his coffee and rose from the chair set away from the counter.  "Well I gotta get back to work.  Go check on him.  Let him know people care."

                "I most definitely will." I stated as he turned and walked out the door.  I sat on my stool and thought about poor old Dan for a few minutes.  For his sake I hope his god was with him.

                That evening I drove down to the hospital to visit him.  I walked through the small lobby into the well-lit corridor and made my way to room 104.  I found the large wooden door on my right and knocked lightly, not wanting to wake him if he was sleeping.  "Yeah."  I heard Dan say in a somewhat strained voice.  I slowly pushed open the door and stepped into the dim room.  "Jimmy!  My buddy." he happily uttered.

                "Hey man.  How’s it going?"

                "You see it." he jokingly said as he comically tugged on the various wires and hoses attached to him.  "What you doing up here?"

                "Oh, I asked Mr. Brady where you had been hiding and he said you were shacked up in here.  What's going on?"

                "My heart.  Ain't doing too good.  Doctor said that my lungs were full of fluid and it caused congestive heart failure."

                "Damn, that sucks man."

                "Yeah, to say the least."

                "When do you think they are gonna let you outta here?"

                "Hopefully tomorrow, but they gotta run some more tests and see."

                "Well I hope so too.  Are you feeling bad?"

                "Not really.  It's not painful, just icky feeling.  So how's things been going?  You still denouncing god and loving the left?"  He chuckled lightly.

                "You know it.  Wouldn't have it any other way."

                "I'm gonna get you there one day.  I want to show you what heaven's like.  I wanna show you the most euphoric experience ever."

                "How can you be so sure it's so euphoric?  Even you have said that nowhere in the bible does it explain how beautiful heaven is.  How do you know it's not just a dump?  You know your god's idea of heaven might be like the jungles of Africa and when you get there you are going to be seriously disappointed." I laughed out loud as I said this.

                "No way.   The bible doesn't say how beautiful heaven is cause it is simple indescribable."

                "Well if and when you get there you be sure to ask god to borrow a phone and call me."

                "I wish it was like that."  We both laughed hardily.  "All I know is I can't wait."

                "Well it looks like you're gonna have to.  At least a little bit longer.  You know Debbie gave me a book to read called 'The Science of God' where this guy tries to explain the bible in a scientific light.  Tries to make science and religion meet and uses science to explain such things as the first six days of Genesis adding up to 15 billion years and stuff like that.  I decided to read it just for the sake of knowledge.  You know for debates such as ours.  Any way regardless of the context, it's still pretty interesting.   I'm learning far more about science than I am religion, and maybe that's what I am trying to get out of it.  I think I could probably read every book on religion and still not be convinced your god is god or that Jesus existed."

                "Well hold on a minute." he interrupted.  He did this quite often, as often, if not more than the blame game.  "Think about this, I mean you brought up creation."

                "I didn't bring up creation.  I said something about the first six days."

                "Well regardless, think about this.  Take a watch, a bunch of intricate little parts working together to create a master timepiece.  Now take that watch apart and put all those little parts in a shoe box and shake the shit outta that shoe box.  You could shake that box for all of eternity and never will those parts come together and make a watch.  What does that tell you?"

                "You can't make a watch by shaking a shoe box."  I snickered in response.

                "It means that something, some creator of sorts has to have a hand in the creation of that object."        

                "But that's like comparing apples to oranges.  A watch can't make a watch.  It is inanimate.  People can make people.  Life breeds life.  Anyways I have not and will never deny that there might be a creator or some sort of intelligent design.  What I will tell you is how crazy half of those stories in that precious little book of yours are.  You can't make me believe that in the beginning there were only two humans made of dust.  You can't make me believe that they were corrupted and thrown out of so called paradise because of a talking snake."

                "Satan."              

                "Snake, Satan, whatever the case may be.  You also can't make me believe one man who was well over one hundred years old, built a boat that was large enough to house every living creature, save the ones that could fly or swim.  And after building this ark, he was able to gather all of these living creatures, I mean every creature that lives on our planet today, even down to the tiniest of insect and have them board his ship.  The most unbelievable of that is how in the world did he get those insects.  You take an ant for example, to which one hundred yards across the most well-kept football field would seem like a trek through the jungles of South America, and you expect me to believe that those types of creatures made a great journey of what could have been thousands of miles.  I call bullshit on that."  This statement came out a lot more stern than I had intended.

                "Well this is a theory of mine." he quickly rebutted.  "Something I have thought of strictly on my own.  I think all of this took place after the last great ice age.  Both the north and south were completely frozen.  This resulted in the remaining animal life existing in a much more concentrated area.  They didn't have to travel so far for the journey.  And when the earth began to thaw, that is what created to great flood."      

                "Still, Dan, the circumference of the earth is like twelve or fifteen thousand miles."

                "Twenty-four thousand." he chuckled as he corrected me.

                "OK.  Twenty- four thousand miles.  That still makes a one way trip from the furthest point twelve thousand miles.  You mean to tell me besides what you could construe as acts of miracles, such as the virgin birth and the rising of Jesus from his grave, that your logic lets you believe a fucking ant or beetle traveled thousands of miles in its lifetime to board a ship?  I still call bullshit."

                "Well maybe it's not for everyone to believe."  

                "That's the smartest thing you said all evening." I aired in a joshing manner.  We stopped the religious debate at that and made more small talk to ease the tension in the air.  After a while I glanced at my cell phone and seen that I had been here for well over an hour.  "Well big man, I gotta get outta here.  Gotta go get something to eat and get my ass in the shower."

                "Alright man.  I appreciate you stopping by.  This was fun.  I enjoy bullshitting with you."

                "As do I, Dan.  As do I."

                "And whether you want me to or not, I will be praying for you and when you get those warm, fuzzy feelings you will know it's me."

                "Whatever floats your boat.  It's a country based on liberty.  Anyways, later."

                "Later."

                "I hope you get to feeling better."  I said this as I was stepping out into the hallway.  I softly closed the door to the room and also the most intriguing hour I had had in a while.  Even though our thought processes where almost polar opposites, I really enjoyed our conversations.  To me if someone agrees with everything you say they are more than likely fake.  People have to have their differences.  That's what makes us such an interesting species.  I walked out of the hospital and out to my car I had left in the emergency room parking lot.  I got to the door and stopped and turned back and gazed at the rather small hospital.  I hoped silently that everything would be alright with him.  He was a good man and deserved better in life even if he did like to blame others for his position in it.

                I didn't see Dan or Mr. Brady again for a while.  I was busy being caught in myself and never made it back to the hospital to check on him.  It was at least two weeks before Dan came waddling back into the store.  "Well the dead do rise from the grave."  I aired rather loudly.

                "Hell yeah.  It's the second coming." he cackled heartily.

                "How's it going?"             

                "Oh pretty good.  Can't really complain."

                "You, can't complain?  I don't believe that."

                "Well no more than usual." he retorted.

                "So are you outta the woods with that languished heart of yours?"

                "Not completely.  Gotta change a lot of things.  Gotta start eating better, quit smoking.  You know the usual."

                "You gonna do all that?"

                "Gotta.  I mean if I want to live."

                "What about heaven and meeting your god?  I thought you were all excited about that stuff."

                "Excited not eager."  We both chuckled a bit.

                "So how's everything else going?"  I knew better than to ask that question.  I could only imagine what all kinds of answers I was going to get.

                "Well your president should be impeached.  Still waiting for that to happen.  On a more personal level, I am broke and have about one hundred thousand dollars’ worth of hospital bills now.  Doesn't seem to get any easier."

                "You getting any business down there at the shop?"      

                "Barely.  Just enough to eat and keep the lights on.  Not much else."

                "Yeah, well I got an idea.  Why don't you call on your old friend Jesus to help you out?"  I said this trying to lighten the mood and get a little smile out of him.  "I mean he was a carpenter, wasn't he?  Think about the business you could drum up if the word got out that Jesus was in Hope, building furniture.  Imagine the customers then.  I bet you they would come from all over, paying top dollar for an original Jesus Adirondack chair.  Of course to get ahead you would have to not let him just give them away.  I mean I hear he's pretty generous."  That did it.  He cracked a big smile and let me get a good look at those well-worn teeth of his.

                "I wish it was that easy."  That was about the end of that conversation.  He bought what he needed and left without saying much of anything else.  I was glad I put a grin on his face though.

                Another month had passed before I saw him again.  A few times in that month I would question Mr. Brady about his whereabouts and general well-being and I always got the same generic answer.  When he did come in himself it was like he had never been gone longer than a day.  He busted in with a huge smile and the kind of greeting I came to expect from him.

                "There he is.  My favorite left wing nut job." he expressed with great enthusiasm.

                "Oh yeah.  And just why am I a nut job?"

                "Cause you are on the same side as those crazy leftist freaks.  The kind of people that don't like Rush Limbaugh.  That wanna get together and tell a bunch of five year old kids that they are gonna burn in hell."

                "Wait a damn minute.  That sounds more like your group of people.  I don't condone anyone telling anyone that they are gonna burn in hell.  And don't lump me in with those type of people just because I can't stand fucking Rush Limbaugh.  He's a loud mouth ass.  I don't really care for anyone that leans to far either way.  I even have my dislikes about Bill Maher.  I like him for the comedic value, but even he's prickish and pushy at times."

                "Well all your little friends are up there in New York telling these little kids that they are gonna burn in hell for singing 'God Bless America'."

                "What are you talking about?"

                "You haven't heard?  You know they have made it to where the kids can't say the pledge of allegiance in school?"               

                "Yeah."

                "Well all these kids got together and decided they were gonna stand in public and sing 'God Bless America'.  Well all these left wing, nut job adults decided that that was offensive and they weren't gonna let it happen.  They got together across from the kids and started telling them they were gonna burn in hell."

                "You're kidding me right?"

                "Nope not a bit.  You haven't been watching the news?"

                "Truthfully, Dan, I have just about all but given up on the news and politics as a whole.  Every time I hear one of those sniveling little asses I wanna throw up.  Nothing but lies I tell you.  They are all evil in my opinion.  They are all cheating swine.  None of them have my interests in mind.  They take dirty money from lobbyist for campaign contributions, to buy votes, whatever the case may be and I am sick of hearing about it."

                "And you don't think Obama does?" he rebutted.

                "Never said he didn't.  I am absolutely positive that he does.  My point is that all of them are evil.  Like I said, I have all but give up on keeping up with the news.  I am more worried about what happens to me directly.  I am trying to concentrate on the two square yards right here."  I made an imaginary box around my feet with my forefingers to illustrate this point.  "If it does not cross into this box then I am no longer concerned with it."

                "Well it soon will.  Sooner than you think.  In New York, they got Bloomberg trying to tell people what size drink they should be able to buy.  What are you gonna do when that happens here and to you."

                "I have heard about that and I think that is bullshit.  This is supposed to be a country based on liberty."

                "Not if your president has anything to do with it."  There he went again interrupting me and calling Obama my president.  There are reasons I don't vote and those reasons include having a president termed as "my president".  I let it pass and just continued with my diatribe.

                "Anyway, liberty is what is supposed to make us American.  Make a free country.  I have told you before my stance on things like all you can eat buffets in conjunction with the starving kids in our country, but I am a hypocrite in that fashion because I take full advantage of living in a country where if I feel the need or want to go stuff my face with whatever and how much ever I want, I can.  That is what America is about.  Liberty.  I mean I like to consider myself a libertarian.  I believe a man should be able to do as he sees fit, as long as it doesn't bring harm to others or impedes on their right to life, liberty, and happiness.  I would even go as far as to say publicly that I believe prostitution and drugs should be legalized."

                From behind me another customer blurted out, "Hells yeah."  I turned to him and gave him a big smile of approval.  I turned back to Dan and continued.

                "I especially practiced this method of living during my drug years, save a few incidents where I might have stolen or cheated, but those were few.  I usually did what I wanted, when I wanted and tried to let others do the same."

                "You should vote for Romney then.  He's a Mormon."  I didn't get the reference to legalizing drugs and prostitution and the Mormon faith but I chuckled in agreement anyway.

                "Don't think that will happen.  I think Mormons are as insane as Scientologists.  I mean seriously, Christianity is far-fetched as it is and then you go adding the Joseph Smith shit and it goes from a little absurd to absolutely psychotic."

                "Well on that note I must exit.  We will talk to you later Jimmy.  I gotta go and try and make some money."  He gathered his things from the counter and headed towards the door.

                "Later then.  Don't let those evil swine get you down too much.  It is still America.  At least for a little while."  With that he was gone again.  I turned around in my stool and glanced around the store to see what else was happening.  Not much.  One thing was for sure, regardless of my personal thoughts on the state of the economy, business had slowed pretty bad, especially in the last couple of weeks.

                In the following weeks during Dan's brief visits, I had noticed somewhat of some extreme weight loss on his part.  I had thought briefly that he was doing what needed to be done by shedding the unwanted, extra pounds, but like I said, this thought was brief and fleeting.  This wasn't the kind of weight loss brought on by exercise and a sensible diet.  This was the kind of weight loss one experiences when nearing the end.  I had also noticed that his zeal for our little debates had all but vanished.  I don't recall any kind of exciting dialogue.  He was no longer quick to interrupt me to make his own point.  The conversations bordered on inane and were very redundant.  It was in these moments that I realized something was seriously wrong.

                A few more weeks had passed without me seeing Dan or Mr. Brady and I had no way of knowing Dan's state of health.  A day or two past the three week void Mr. Brady had come into the store.  I immediately inquired about Dan.  "Where's old Dan been hiding?" I asked.

                "Oh, Dan's in the hospital again.  Been in there for a minute.  I don't think he ever really recovered from his last little spell."

                "Damn.  That’s got me kinda worried."

                "Yeah.  Me too.  Truthfully it ain't looking too good for him."

                "Did the doctor say what it was?  Or is it the same as last time?"

                "Same.  Like I said, I don't think his old heart really recovered.  They said he had a heart attack.  He came out of it pretty good but there has been a lot of damage over the years just from his hard life style.  I mean he drank forever and smoked cigarettes up until his last hospital stay."

                "He doesn't drink anymore, does he?" 

                "No.  He quit years ago but the way he drank and how much has just caught up with him."

                "What room is he in now?"

                "I think it's the same one.  104. Was that what it was last time?"

                "Yeah."

                "I haven't been to see him in a day or two so I don't know his condition as of now, but I am gonna go see him this evening."

                "Well I will most definitely go check on him myself.  Go rile him up.  Get that heart working real good."  We both laughed at this.

                "Well I gotta get back to the shop.  I gotta finish up this table so I can get paid and pay yall some money."

                "Alright Mr. Brady.  Be careful."

                "I will.  You take care of yourself Jimmy."

                "Most definitely."  He walked to the door and I stayed put seriously concerned for Dan.  I called myself being concerned but I made no effort to go and visit him that day or the next.  Once again I got caught up in myself and neglected trying to see if my presence would cheer him up.  I did however make up my mind the day after to go up there right after I got off work.  I closed the store down as usual and walked out to my car.  A lot of thoughts were going through my mind.  I did honestly hope that he would come around in spite of the changes I had noticed in him a few weeks ago.

                I pulled into the hospital parking lot and stepped out of my car.  I slowly strolled up to the automatic doors with a strange feeling brewing in my stomach.  I made the same trek through the corridor as before and came to the large wooden door.  I knocked lightly, once again not wanting to disturb him if he was asleep.  There was no response.  I rapped softly again and waited for word from inside saying that it was okay to enter.  Once again there was nothing.  

                "Sir?"  I heard a young woman's voice from behind me.  "Sir, who is it that you are looking for?"

                "Uh, Dan.  I was told he was in this room."

                "Dan who?"

                "I honestly don't know his last name.  I haven't known him that long.  I just wanted to come by and see how he was."

                "Sir, I am afraid that the man that was in that room earlier passed less than an hour ago."  She proclaimed in a rather monotone voice.  My heart sank.  I wasn't completely surprised but it still took me aback.  I stood silent for a moment then thanked the young nurse and turned to walk out.  I made my way back to my car, opened the door and plopped down in the seat.  I retrieved my cigarettes from the middle console and lit one.  I sat and tried to recall all the conversations we had had in the past year.  It was just like anything else I had experienced and tried to recall.  I got only highlights.  I had really only known this man for a year, actually less but as I sat there trying to think of our debates I noticed that I had probably learned more from this man than anyone I had ever previously encountered.  And it wasn't just history, or politics, or religion.  I realized that, without even thinking about it, as judgmental as I was to anyone I met, even Dan, I had managed to push these thoughts out of my head and allowed him, the true him to enter.  During our conversations I didn't see him as a dirty, whinny, know it all, Jesus pusher.  When he engaged me, or I him, these thoughts ceased.  With this realization, a great joy washed over me.  He had truly made me feel like those other things didn't matter.  The character flaw that I have always wanted to work on, the one that I feel impedes my social life; he took from me, even if it was just briefly.  I then began to feel sad for losing him.  If he had done this for me in such a brief amount of time, I could only have imagined what he could have done had our friendship been allowed to continue.  Even through this moment of sadness I still felt good knowing that my flaw could be overcome.  I decided then to make it a point to become more engaged with people I had little in common with.  All those people I ignored or pushed to the side simply because of some minor difference would become my lifeline.  These are the people that will help me rid me of myself.  Like I've heard so many times, "What you hate most in others, maybe the shadow in yourself."